Grave Expectations

I hate cleaning my room
Not for the dust that gathers or the socks I forgot to pick up
But for the grave yard I discover

Filled with items from hobbies that I quit faster than I blinked

Guitars and other instruments I grew bored of
Sport medals from games I hated
Dance photos and drama tickets before stage fright kicked in
Art supplies that I never properly used

Started collections of dream catchers and snow globes
All started in a moment of passion
Only to fizzle out to something I used to do

But there was always my book shelf to remain constant
Even if it wasn’t constant with the same books

The only dust to gather was at the top

Since I can remember I always loved reading
It’s a reminder that something that can change so often can still capture my attention so despite all the things I used to do is in not a comparison to the books I used to own that each took me on their own adventure only to drop me back to the shelf

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Happy Three-Year-A-Blog-Aversary

Every year just has a better ring to it than the year before… or the year before that…

The time has come to reflect on this year of keeping a blog.

My very first post went up on the 19th of February 2013. I was 15 years old and had no idea what my writing style was. So I kind of just rambled- to be honest has anything actually changed? It got two likes and three followers and I was over the moon with happiness. I was quite in active as I didn’t really know how the whole thing worked.

But I staggered through a whole year and gained over 300 followers- almost one for every day of the year. The Year a Versary post is a bit cringe. However, one of my favourite things to do is look at how my writing developed, not only in that year, but even up to today. I got six likes and two comments, and I was still happy.

Last year was the Two Year a Versary. I got 15 likes and three comments, and still so grateful. I had no idea where my blog would take me.

This year, my average number of likes would be over 50, I embraced my poetic side, opened up to a few people that I have a blog, got reached out to by a few PR companies, got shortlisted for an award, and connected with so many bloggers. Especially The Blog Squad! A group chat with so many helpful bloggers with different perspectives on life. To see who’s involved click here ❤ 

A successful year all around if I say so myself! I got a schedule- Fridays at 23.00 GMT. I began to edit my posts instead of posting in the heat of things. I learned a few tricks to help out the whole experience. I still value each like, comment, share or email. I’m so happy to share my experience with the help and encouragement of everyone who linked in and out with me.

My Haven of Procrastination is still going strong! Here’s to year Four!

 

 

January

I never thought my heart could be broken
As when I imagine that I imagine a horrendous love affair
With the Universe in control
Contributed to by multiple people
That consumed my life
That consumes your life

No one ever told me heartbreak could come in multiple forms
Or multiple people
“The ‘one’ has the power” they always told me
Even if you never felt you did
Neither one of us thought we could hurt the other
Neither one of us wanted to

You never broke my heart
We had timeless adventures
Good memories
Fun memories
Swearing my bike was faster than yours
But you claiming to be a faster swimmer
Running our own make believe “shop” outside my bungalow
Running an actual shop for the community

Your hearty red bike turned into a glassy blue car
Which took us on journeys
Where we talked about spaceships and stars
Followed by the night looking for them
I really hope that you don’t want to forget those days
That they’ll be cherished
Put away in a box with our grinning photos
From fond memories
From the toothless days

Reminiscing causes a pain in my chest
Which I thought was once heartbreak
Even though we were a clean cut end
Mutual decision
Mutual dejection

The little blue eyed boy broke my heart when I saw him
Not you
He signified so much
Yet he will never know a life with me
Or how his mother played out my life
I will never crumple at the sight of you
Congratulating her on her first bump
Congratulating you on the life you always wanted

My heart aches for her
Even though she hardly knows me
How she will never know the truth behind
Why your grandfather can’t remember her name over mine
Or why you never visit the bungalow anymore
I sure hope to God it’s kept that way
To her it doesn’t exist
To her we never existed

The blue eyed boy will never know me
For more than a distant friend of his fathers
Who saw me at my worst because he put me there
And will forever remain distant
There’s only so many times you can look someone in the face
After they offer a life option to you and you refuse
My first love moved on to someone else because I wasn’t ready
Now they have a bright blue eyed son
And I have my own life to figure out

Why do I see you in everything?

Why do I see you in everything? Why am I comparing the people I surround myself with to you? Why do I still get butterflies of excitement whenever I see a memory we made together? Why does so much remind me of you? Why are you still on my mind? Why are you still on my wall? Why do I hope you actually didn’t change? Why am I still hurting? Why did you ever want me to hurt? Why do you still want that? Why did you blame me? Why did you avoid me? Why am I still hoping for that day I’ll see your name pop up? Why won’t I hesitate to answer? Why do I think you still deserve me? Why am I still thinking about it? Why am I still checking your social medias? Why am I disappointed that you haven’t updated? Why does my heart skip a beat when I hear our song? Why does my heart still ache? Why doesn’t my brain shut off? Why can’t I shut you out? Why haven’t I still gotten over you? Why did you never give me closure? Why do I miss you?

and I do miss you

but fuck you

seriously

Dear You

Dear You,

I don’t know if you’re well or not because we’ve gotten into the habit of ignoring each others social medias. I was looking through mine to a year ago, only a year, and thinking about how much has changed. It happened just over a year ago. Around the orals, which were already horrible enough. A toxic relationship wasn’t needed. Yet, there it was. Not that it ever mattered to you if something didn’t suit me.

The thing we never got was closure. There was no final farewell. There was passive aggressive messages and others caught up in the middle. I never wanted them to pick sides. Just another difference between us.

There was so many things I never got to say, and so many things you said that I’ve heard from others. You could never handle confrontation. Yet you loved the drama. Warning bells about you should have rang in my head a long time ago.

It stung when you had your first family reunion without me being your plus one. After five years I bet you had to answer some awkward questions too. But I saw photos. And it did sting. Especially since I wasn’t meant to care.

I haven’t been meaning to care for a while. But here you are. A year later and still the full attention.

So much has changed and so much I’ve wanted to share with you. But every time a thought came into my head it was always you who I wanted to tell. Because that’s who it has been for the past five years.

I’ve tried to reach out to you so many times. To forgive and forget the nonsense that you have brainwashed yourself into thinking what was going on. A year later and I’m still reaching when I really shouldn’t be.

Last time I met you you were drunk. The next day your leg was broken. The next week you made their lives hell. The month after you had dropped out of school. And blamed me for each one.

Yet here I am. Three hours away thinking about the good times because we all know nostalgias a bitch. When looking back you only remember the good times because they cloud the bad ones. So I think about us in that field rather than that day in town, or the day in your attic rather than the day in my tent. And so on.

I’m ashamed of what you told your parents. I’m more ashamed they believed you.

So congratulations. You’re still the centre of attention. You’re still the drama attractor. You’re still the one with all the focus. You’re still the one with the loudest cry. You’re still the one who they all believe. You’re still the one they take pity on.

You’re still you.
And You has changed.

All my affection,
Me

Happy 2-Year-A-Versary

Two whole years and I finally stuck to something!
It’s that time of year where I become all sentimental about putting my whole life online.
From the very start, to one year, to now. . . it all seems so surreal.

I’ve always tried to keep a journal, but then I start a new one, or forget about it etc etc *insert excuse here*. But it’s amazing to type in a simple URL and BOOM. . . there’s my past two years. Two years complete with drama, stress, videos, leaving cert, friends, and poetry (surprisingly).

I’ve talked to some amazing people here, and got to connect with so many individuals that are all so talented. With a few blog awards up my sleeve also!

It seems like my little haven of procrastination has grown into something that I’ve developed into my little comfort space on the internet. Despite the fact it’s open to the public eye.

My blog has developed me, as a person. It helped me to realise how much I actually enjoy writing, and how I can pursue it without having to do a degree in it.

So maybe I’ll keep this as a hobby, or maybe I’ll take it a bit further. But all I know if the next two years are as successful as my last two, then I don’t think I could be happier!

Beauty -Lauren Moriarty

As a child I would sit cross legged
On my parents bed.
I would watch, fascinated,
As mum got ready for a night out
With dad.
She hummed softly to herself
As he showered.
I listened to the soundtrack
Of comfort and familiarity.
Mums make-up bag lay strewn
Across rumpled covers,
I would take out each product
And hold it in my small hand
Rub the soft brushes against my skin,
Trace the lipstick around my mouth,
Thinking to myself
This is what makes beauty

I placed make-up on
A pedestal.
In my opinion,
It was the only thing that could
Create beauty.
Growing older,
This belief only intensified.

As a teenager I would sit cross legged
In front of the mirror
Practicing the skill of creating
Beauty.
The music this time
Was composed of insecurities,
Another soundtrack that had become
Familiar.
I learned how to contour,
How to make my lips fuller,
My eyes pop.
But Yes, I liked wearing it,
It gave me more confidence
Turned down the music,
But I wasn’t beautiful.
something was wrong
I didn’t look, I didn’t feel
Beautiful.

Over time,
I learned that beauty
Doesn’t come wrapped in
Mac or L’Oreal.
It is an ideal
Of an individual mind.
It is an aspiration not
An achievement.

As an adult I sit cross legged
As I read and write poetry
I have learned that there is
Many types of beauty.
It can be found in words,
Rhythms and patterns.
Beauty is an art not a person,
Beauty is this poem,
Not me.

***
Hi Friends! So this was written by the lovely Lauren Moriarty and I begged her to let me post it here! Sadly, she has no blog of her own. . . yet. . .I’m still working on it 😉 
So I hope you all enjoy her art as much as I do!

Girls just wanna have fun

I went out with my friends on both Friday and Saturday this week. They were both good nights, don’t get me wrong.

But the thing I hated most was that I felt like I was the only one who went out to have fun. I hate the fact that EVERY social media has to be constantly updated. I hate that people would rather spend time taking selfies together than catching up. I hate that people wear shoes they can’t walk in for the sake of being a few inches taller for a few hours. I hate how people go out like it’s a mission to get a partner, and spend the time obsessing over than rather than having fun.

When I go out, I just want to dance. I want to chat to my friends rather than proving I’m out in the first place. I don’t want people to  start drama and chaos by stopping talking to people and I most certainly don’t want to have to tip toe around people to stop drama from unfolding.

People are so judgemental and critical over little things, and hang onto grudges like it’s their life mission. Whilst in reality, if everyone was a bit more chill, we’d all get along so well.

Silver vs Gold

There was always a phrase, “Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold”.

Since college started, I have made some awesomely fabulous new friends. They’re so brilliant and lovely and everything nice in the world!

But there was no way I was heading to to uni and leaving all my friends behind!
The girls in the video are the girls who I’ve personally grown up with. Hell, I’ve known one of them since even before I started primary school! We were literally in diapers together!

Having this Halloween to catch up with them was amazing. I got filled in with all the gossip whilst we attempted to bake. . . well. . . something. . .

Yeah about that video. . . don’t judge! None of us are “domestic goddesses”. However, we do like spending time together with hula hoops, sombreros and music on full volume.

Some people might be embarrassed to have a video up of themselves looking as silly as we are. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I most certainly am not. This is the person I am. Anyone who views this will be a friend, a family member, or you. Since my friends and family already know me, I guess I’m trying to make an impression on you, fellow blogger.

So get in touch with me! Tell me if your friends are just as crazy and cooky as mine!
Because gawd knows I love them ❤

And I don’t think any words can explain to you how much I miss them!

A perfectly peaceful evening

I was visiting my cousins down south last week, and the weather was strangely amazing. Like, over 20 degrees amazing. See that photo above? That’s obviously not 20 degrees. But that photo does have a story behind it!

It was a stunning day, and my cousin and I had just returned from a woodland walk. We decided to then go to the beach. And by we, I mean he decided and I didn’t want to say no to him. But when we got to the beach it was so crowded. Like, I felt like I couldn’t even breathe there were so many people on this tiny beach! I was also not expecting everyone to be practically half naked, so already I felt over dressed. I was wearing denim long shorts with a light shirt, so I was unintentionally covered up. Being at my cousins, I obviously didn’t know anyone else but him. However, it felt like he knew everybody. I felt awkward and honestly I did not want to be there. I was introduced to a few people, but they just seemed so. . . different from my own friends that I didn’t feel comfortable around any of them either. But being the good cousin that I am, I endured about an hour of this before my cousin finally got the hint.

That night, we went out for dinner. The restaurant was looking out over the beach, and it looked amazing. I asked my cousin did he want to go down after dinner and he, being the amazing cousin that he is, agreed. We walked down and sat on a wall. The only people on the beach were two couples, both with dogs. It was still quite warm out, so my cousin and I just sat on a wall looking out on the horizon. Just then, an elderly man appeared with a metal detecter. Yes, you read that right. He was our main source of entertainment. He was just the type of old man you’d want to hug. (And he told us he found a couple of euros). My cousin and I joked how we would throw our phones into the sand just so he could find them! (Obviously we didn’t! Hah). At one point, there were like 10 dogs on the beach. We talked to one dog owner (who let me play with her happy little puppy). Do you see that man standing in the photo? He came down with his dog and his cup of tea. Not takeaway tea or anything, like an actual mug with tea in it. He played fetch with his over hyper dog. We decided to name all the dogs. Our personal favourite was Bullet. Who ran after anything! We saw a car with a surfboard attached on the roof pull up. After they decided there were definitely no waves (clearly in the photo), they took out a couple of fishing rods and went fishing. A stray dog (named Daisy) came along, and we made friends with her.

It was like we visited a different place altogether, and I definitely liked the second one better. Although it wasn’t filled with girls in bikinis, my cousin quite enjoyed it too!
And that night we unintentionally matched outfits. #Twinning