Happy Five-Year-A-Blog-Aversary

A notification pops up on my phone to remind me of this day five years ago

When a stressed teenager overthought so much that She had to tell the world

And the world listened

To each blog post overflowing with passion and built up energy

That was released after a day of school or a day of college

Or even now, a day of work

Where she is now I

And I struggle to remember a language that once seemed so natural

That flowed from my fingertips

Instead of being filled with cliches

Which are all that come to mind right now

Embarrassingly misspelling words

Misusing phrases

Double checking with google if something means what I think it does

Overthinking it all so much that I just want it to stop


But I think of Her

Feeling alone

All those years ago

Inserting Herself into a world she knew nothing about

Coming out the other end

With people who understood

Who finally could understand Her

And all Her thoughts

Laid out on one page where being vulnerable was never bad

Even five years later

When She returns

I still feel right at home


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Dear February

Dear February,

I really missed you February. You have always been the sign of growth and renewal and this year has provided space for that. I am in the process of healing from a cold winter, and your spring time has offered me a warm embrace, welcoming me once again.

This time four years ago I started my blog. To celebrate my Four year blog-a-versary I wrote and published a post each day. And February, the feedback to it has been absolutely incredible. I have gained more followers in this month than I have in the past four, and I’ve received so many wonderful comments that I can hardly keep up with them. My readers have helped me to heal just as much as you have February. I don’t think I could thank either of you enough.

Of course there was some dark clouds this month, but only a couple. Some days were more gloomy than others, but you are just the beginning of a new year. This may not seem too significant, but I feel I have put myself out there more and started to allow myself to be okay. To be honest with you February, I was probably more upset this month than usual. That probably contrasts to everything I just said. But I didn’t mind. It was so much better than just feeling numb. I allowed myself to get out anything I wanted to because I knew sunshine would come the next morning. I was able to relax because I had trust in you to welcome and comfort me each day I needed it February.

Personally, I thought I helped others to grow this month. I made myself more available to those who I knew would do the same for me. I started to talk more to those around me who felt like I had closed them off. I encouraged people to work together and now I have a core group of class friends who I can really rely on in my most crucial part of my degree.
February, you helped me to realise that I grow most when I’m watering others.

I need to thank everyone who has not been annoyed by my blog showing up in their reader each day. I need to thank any new followers who took the time to make my day a bit brighter by clicking a button. I need to thank anyone who stumbled across my little space here on the internet.

I need to thank you, February. You were there when I needed you most. You always have been.

All my love,
(P.S. I can’t wait to see you again)


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Woah November

Dear November

You flew. I didn’t feel you flying, but now you’re gone. Woah.

Usually throughout the month I decide on a ‘theme’ for the month. I have always done this without even the intent to write about it, so it’s not just particular to my monthly letter series. For August it was “yikes” but that month was horrid, but not miserable. September was “okay” because it was better than August, but not much else. October was “Thank You” because it was a healing month that I made myself aware of by filming and documenting more. Here I am November, and I can’t think of anything else but “woah where did you go?”.

In a way, that theme is very fitting.

The past few months I have almost been overly hyper aware of time passing, and trying to make it pass faster, and suddenly it’s gone and I feel… unchanged. Which isn’t a bad thing. As autumn turns to winter, not much else happened. I watched the Gilmore Girls revival, and absolutely adored it. Otherwise, not much else. November, I never planned on working on myself while you visited. I was happy when you arrived, so I didn’t think I needed anything to change. Sure, we had some hiccups November, but you weren’t around long enough to fight with me. I also cried a lot. I blame Mother Nature for accidentally spilling a bit too much emotion into my mix this month, but I also blame that Gilmore Girls Revival. But damn, I sobbed over almost anything that looked a tiny bit sad or provoked me in any way. I wasn’t used to this at all. My main point is that I’M not sad… (except for the Gilmore Girls part…like SUPER sad over that, as you know November).

I didn’t feel like I had to prove myself this month November. I felt comfortable, and happy, and content, and loved, and secure, and I never even thought about wallowing in self pity.

Thank you for helping me to realise my strength November.

P.S. College is fun, Studying is not.


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Sometimes it’s just nice to have a week where my brain does not have to have any deadlines to worry about. Exam season is upon me, and I don’t have the time I would like to dedicate this week. Hope you’re all having a lovely day and I welcome you to tell me about it. This is my view, and I’m quite happy about it.


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Nostalgic gears

“Short stories are tiny windows into other worlds and other minds and other dreams. They are journeys you can make to the far side of the universe and still be back in time for dinner.”
Neil Gaiman

A long time ago I stopped writing short stories
I never consciously made the decision to stop
Rather, I preferred to write about deep complex characters with long back stories that I knew absolutely everything about
But as I began to write my first short story in probably 4 years my chest swelled up with nostalgic happiness
I used to get an idea and write down as much as I could so I could remember and write and move on to my next project
I had too many notebooks to keep track of and far too many characters and plot holes to maintain
But I was so happy
Each character and each plot hole was filled with so much imagination because of the freedom I had to write about absolutely anything
I like my long stories, my poetry, and my blog posts
But I really love opening the part of my brain that produces short stories
It’s the first time in a long time that the gears in my head are turning as much as they used to and I cannot believe I’ve missed it so much


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Of mind rambles
From my brain
Who thought it could never happen
Because her thoughts weren’t significant enough

Received with love
Despite the darkness
Lurking behind every word
Waiting for the failure of a bad post

Thoughts were gathered
Frantically edited and published
From gloomy thoughts on gloomy days
When the sun wouldn’t shine

Hesitantly thought about
Striving for the right word
But settling for a deadline
Is the excuse I gave myself

Written half asleep
Too lazy to write down
Or fully give details to
Hoping the later wouldn’t come

Creating a structure
That was desperately needed
Proving to myself
I can sometimes be interesting

After the first
Not much has changed


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Table for One

Have you ever had one of those late night slightly not sober nights of rambling with the people you’re most comfortable with? Sometimes it’s all fun and games and who has done what and what was your most embarrassing moment. Other times, epiphanies happen. I had an epiphany recently.

I am a generally positive person. I like to be happy, I like to make others happy and I like how I like being happy. Overall, I like people and do not hate humanity. I was talking about this to some of my friends recently. We are all passionate people, so this conversation got heated. I agreed that humans can do some awful things, but I’ve never experienced anything near that. That was my argument; why be mad at a world that has technically done me no harm?

Then it happened.
The one line that has stuck with me for so long after.
“You have the best faith in humanity because you don’t give anyone the opportunity to get close enough to hurt you”.

To say I was stunned was an understatement.
It was just weaved into conversation like something casual and that everyone knows.
But I just couldn’t shake it off.
I have always viewed myself as ‘reserved’, but I never realised to what extent.


All words that could describe me, and have been used to describe me. Personally I just prefer the term ‘reserved’. When I think of the list of words, there’s negativity. However, one word can just cancel all those others out. I never thought of myself as any of those words in particular, just a slight combination of them all. I’ve been called some of them a few times, and not always as an insult. It’s strange to identify as these words but I can’t help it.

I am reserved, and I always knew this. I just never realised how much other people know this. I also never realised how much it could be holding me back. There was no traumatic experience that shaped me into the reserved person I am. There’s no excuse why I shut others out and only pry open to less than a handful of people, before closing back up again. Layers and layers of personality, dreams, opinions and thoughts that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

Honestly, I wish I could. I wish I could convince myself that people are interested enough to hear what I say. I know I’m interested in what anyone else would ever tell me. I wish I could convince myself that what I would be telling them would be interesting enough. I know if anyone told me something personal, I would definitely be interested.

All my other blog posts reach a conclusion or at least promise at the end.
But for this one I’m probably worse than where I started.


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