January

I never thought my heart could be broken
As when I imagine that I imagine a horrendous love affair
With the Universe in control
Contributed to by multiple people
That consumed my life
That consumes your life

No one ever told me heartbreak could come in multiple forms
Or multiple people
“The ‘one’ has the power” they always told me
Even if you never felt you did
Neither one of us thought we could hurt the other
Neither one of us wanted to

You never broke my heart
We had timeless adventures
Good memories
Fun memories
Swearing my bike was faster than yours
But you claiming to be a faster swimmer
Running our own make believe “shop” outside my bungalow
Running an actual shop for the community

Your hearty red bike turned into a glassy blue car
Which took us on journeys
Where we talked about spaceships and stars
Followed by the night looking for them
I really hope that you don’t want to forget those days
That they’ll be cherished
Put away in a box with our grinning photos
From fond memories
From the toothless days

Reminiscing causes a pain in my chest
Which I thought was once heartbreak
Even though we were a clean cut end
Mutual decision
Mutual dejection

The little blue eyed boy broke my heart when I saw him
Not you
He signified so much
Yet he will never know a life with me
Or how his mother played out my life
I will never crumple at the sight of you
Congratulating her on her first bump
Congratulating you on the life you always wanted

My heart aches for her
Even though she hardly knows me
How she will never know the truth behind
Why your grandfather can’t remember her name over mine
Or why you never visit the bungalow anymore
I sure hope to God it’s kept that way
To her it doesn’t exist
To her we never existed

The blue eyed boy will never know me
For more than a distant friend of his fathers
Who saw me at my worst because he put me there
And will forever remain distant
There’s only so many times you can look someone in the face
After they offer a life option to you and you refuse
My first love moved on to someone else because I wasn’t ready
Now they have a bright blue eyed son
And I have my own life to figure out

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2 thoughts on “January

  1. Regardless of whether you are 18 or 88, love and relationships are mysterious and reveal naked truths about life which we can never learn in any other way. That is why we dive into love without care, all the while knowing that it can end badly. I love this poem because of its stark honesty and its cleansing revelations. One need not know the characters of the play to feel the pain and joy which always intermingles in the heart when people give their vulnerability to others. Bravo to you for sharing your self healing in beautiful expression. Your bravery inspires.

    1. This is honestly one of the best feedbacks I’ve received in regards to my writing and I thank you very much. I appreciate how you took the time to truly understand what I said and that means the world to me. ❤

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