I convinced myself I was happy today

I convinced myself I was happy today
Ordered myself to not sleep it away

Spread a smile on my face
Jumped out of my bed
Quicken up my pace
Only happy thoughts said

Smiled and brushed a toothy grin
My reflection as happy as me
With the sun shining in
All because I chose to be

Green tea and fruit of colour
Clean clothes and boots
The day started off feeling fuller
Not restricted in suits

Grabbed a book and a pen
I convinced myself I was happy again

155640-peaceful-place-desktop-wallpaper-1920x1200

You’ll always be the one

You’ll always be the one

The one I never gave a chance to
The one who I never struggle in a conversation for
Always laughing
Always easy
I can’t describe my feelings
I can’t put into words us
We are best friends
We are nothing more
I think I’m okay with that
I think of more sometimes
We will never evolve
We will never think of each other that way

I think

I feel a stab of jealously when you mention her
I feel like she’s perfect for you
That’s what you are to her
That’s what you aren’t to me
You are laugher and grins
You are imperfections which compliment mine
No worries
No regrets
But I know it’s nothing more
But I know it can’t be

I think

Others words have contradicted ours
Others only see one aim
Unthinkable to us
Unthinkable to her
I don’t know if I’m rational
I don’t know what I’m feeling
To me you are my sunshine
To me you are one of my reasons
However you’re not them all
However I’ve never thought of this before
Sometimes my mind wanders
Sometimes my heart beats a bit quicker

I think

cute-sad-girl-images.jpg

My camera and I have a difficult relationship

Let’s slow down and breathe. I haven’t posted an emotional mind ramble in a while and this is a good way to get back into them. Raw writing.
Okay… So…
**Videos**
They’re sort of my thing and kind of always have been my thing.
In 2015, I recorded snippets of my life and put together a 20 minute montage of my 2015
Why?
Narcissism probably
Hah
| Jan-May | | May-September | | September-December |
I love memories,
I love looking back and reminiscing on the moment that I took the effort to document.
But throughout last year, that documenting transitioned into living through my own lens which left me so uncomfortable without a camera as I had to participate rather than stand back and just capture the moment.
Whenever I didn’t have a camera I felt like I didn’t have a purpose.
I stopped in 2016, which actually genuinely shocked a few people. But I never wanted to record my life; that was just a fun thing last year. It’s absolutely amazing to look back on and there’s not a part of me who regrets it one bit.
However, at the end of the year I had one main project.
Every other year I had videos for specific times. I love looking back at individual days, weeks or events which meant so much to me that I wanted to record them. By recording one massive video I took emphasis away from these moments. The moments that I treasured were replaced with comedic clips with no substance.
I didn’t realise how sad that made me.
I felt so much pressure throughout last year. Between who’s in my video and who’s not or what I’m recording or what I’m not. When someone liked me they liked being in the video, when I stopped talking to someone I was able to completely edit them out of my life with absolutely no trace. I had that power to make people think how little they mean to me.
That’s scary.
Moments happened with those people but it all looks like a long happy montage when in reality 2015 was a hard year.
I felt false.
I’m not stupid. I know people realise I don’t record the sad times, but they exist as much as the happy times. When a happy moment wasn’t recorded, people took it as a personal attack that I didn’t think it was a happy moment. That hurt me so much because it told me that my camera was more important than my participation. The worst part is probably the fact that people don’t even know they’re doing that.
My self worth was based off a lens in 2015. When people were recorded and edited and turned into a happy moment, they were glorified and worthy. I loved making people feel that way. I loved watching people watch my videos. The pride I felt when they wanted to show their friends and family their faces on my videos made me be overwhelming happy.
I thought.
I don’t want to record my life. I never planned on recording my whole life. It’s just the easiest option in film making. No script, no plan, and no preparation. Easy peasy lemon squeezey and people were happy when they were included.
I wasn’t happy.
People wanted my presence because they wanted to be recorded. Not because they wanted to spend time with me.Putting away my camera made me worthless to people, and taking it back out made me fake to myself. I don’t know where I stand after 2015.
My camera and I have a complicated relationship.

tumblr_o1dpqkq2bh1s7sbgzo1_1280

“They are not play actors on stage like I was”

They don’t understand the actions and feelings like I did. They cannot grasp the idea to be so involved like I did.
The sad truth was that they were the new generation.
As I sat in my seat looking up at the stage that used to be mine, I cannot help but feel bitter.
They are there for the sake of it. Not for the passion, not for the rush, not for the thrill.
When I reigned, there was hardly twenty of us involved in the group. We formed it because we were lacking it. Not because it was popular or because we had nothing else to do.
I was there because I wanted to be.

I recognised three faces on the stage under all the spandex and fluff. The rest were just blurry sheep there to fill time and space. Acting has not become popular, a lust for fame amongst them has. Instead of  wanting to learn the art through passion and patience, they expect it just to happen. No journey. No process. Just like that.
The director agreed with me.
He said there is no fire since we left. He is just an authority figure to them as they are just income to him. There is no friendship, never mind a sense of family, like there used to be.

When I come here, I come home.
And my heart longs for the place where I discovered hairspray and had my first kiss.
It is home because it is a sanctuary.

But to these kids it is just a place to hang out.
There is no joy as they enter the centre.
There is no rush as they step on stage.
These kids are different.

They are not play actors on stage like I was.

***
Hi friends. As part of a weekly meeting of Writers Soc in NUIG, we were given a prompt which was a line from someone else’s story. I have no idea what context this line was used in, but I kind of twisted it. Recently I returned home to watch my preforming arts group put on Cats the Musical. From talking to the staff and watching the new generation just made me sad and reminisce on the glory days. However, it did give me inspiration for this piece, so I guess something good came out of it!
EMPTY-STAGE-2

I am a writer

I am a writer
I sit in coffee houses
I use moleskin notepads
I write my mind to inform the world
I don’t give into society
I believe I’m responsible to change societal views
I look at art and feel inspired
I know quotes off by heart which empower me
I read all the books known to the intellectual man

I try to fit myself into this mould
I fail

I am a writer
I dislike the taste of coffee
I don’t like my handwriting very much
I scribble my thoughts and dreams
I surround myself with good people
I am a part of a community I wish to improve
I never understood art in school
I never liked learning poetry
I only read if I’m interested

I’m a writer

fitting in

January

I never thought my heart could be broken
As when I imagine that I imagine a horrendous love affair
With the Universe in control
Contributed to by multiple people
That consumed my life
That consumes your life

No one ever told me heartbreak could come in multiple forms
Or multiple people
“The ‘one’ has the power” they always told me
Even if you never felt you did
Neither one of us thought we could hurt the other
Neither one of us wanted to

You never broke my heart
We had timeless adventures
Good memories
Fun memories
Swearing my bike was faster than yours
But you claiming to be a faster swimmer
Running our own make believe “shop” outside my bungalow
Running an actual shop for the community

Your hearty red bike turned into a glassy blue car
Which took us on journeys
Where we talked about spaceships and stars
Followed by the night looking for them
I really hope that you don’t want to forget those days
That they’ll be cherished
Put away in a box with our grinning photos
From fond memories
From the toothless days

Reminiscing causes a pain in my chest
Which I thought was once heartbreak
Even though we were a clean cut end
Mutual decision
Mutual dejection

The little blue eyed boy broke my heart when I saw him
Not you
He signified so much
Yet he will never know a life with me
Or how his mother played out my life
I will never crumple at the sight of you
Congratulating her on her first bump
Congratulating you on the life you always wanted

My heart aches for her
Even though she hardly knows me
How she will never know the truth behind
Why your grandfather can’t remember her name over mine
Or why you never visit the bungalow anymore
I sure hope to God it’s kept that way
To her it doesn’t exist
To her we never existed

The blue eyed boy will never know me
For more than a distant friend of his fathers
Who saw me at my worst because he put me there
And will forever remain distant
There’s only so many times you can look someone in the face
After they offer a life option to you and you refuse
My first love moved on to someone else because I wasn’t ready
Now they have a bright blue eyed son
And I have my own life to figure out

o-BROKEN-HEART-facebook.jpg

2016- Still Rolling with it

Like last year and the year before, I will recap on my sort of “resolutions” for the year. Allover it’s been a good year. Blog wise and real life wise. I hope everyone has a happy and safe 2016!

So here we go; 2015

Learn how to properly cook one meal, and have it as my signature meal.
I definitely got the courage to try more meals, but there isn’t one in particular which I call my own. I’d kinda find it rather boring if I had one predictable dish. I have no idea why 2014 me wanted this.

Finish writing a proper story.
Hahahahahah. Well. This is one of those things which always seem to be transferred to your next to do list. Whoops.

Write a letter to each of my friends who mean something to me.
I haven’t sat down and had a letter writing session. However, I’ve wore letters to my dearest friends on their birthdays which means something to them and to me. I think this means so much more, although I’d like to write cute little memory cards.

Make time for all my friend groups.
Probably my hardest task of 2015. Managing friendships. I’m trying, that’s all I can say.

Return to France.
I actually did this one! Hah!

Become closer with my cousins.
I definitely feel this has been the “most achieved”. I’ve travelled, had DMCs, cried a bit, gave a few non sober phone calls and movie nights with my closest ones.

Finish my first year at University.
Done!

Get some sort of a job.
Not done! Besides the occasional promo or helping out a friend I didn’t get a stable job this year.

Become more healthy.
Hahahaha. Well I don’t think I “failed” this one. I don’t really eat bad food, but I really should exercise more.

Get rid of negative people in my life.
Getting there. Slowly getting there.

Spend more nights going out with friends.
Happily done!

Have an amazing 18th birthday celebration.
I did indeed!

Make a video for each month of the year.
Although I don’t have a “month” video this year, I just have a long merge of the year. I guess that’s a loophole.

Go to a concert.
Orla Gartland how are ya!

Be happy.
Well there’s always ups and downs with this one. I’d to think I’m content with this year.


So! What do I think I should achieve in 2016? Let’s see.

  1. Put the camera down and be more present in the moment.
  2. Join a new society / Get a new hobby
  3. Keep a brain journal
  4. Be healthier
  5. Spend more time with friends and friend groups
  6. Go to a concert
  7. Leave the country
  8. Act like a tourist for the day
  9. Call my family more
  10. Buy a red dress for my cousins wedding
  11. Finish writing any piece- completely
  12. Have the annual cheesy movie night with those I love
  13. Learn how to do eyebrow make up
  14. Keep filtering out those negative people
  15. Travel Ireland more and take advantage
  16. Tell more people about EimzPink.wordpress.com

16 goals for 2016. Still rolling with it.

happy-new-year-2016-wishes.jpg

Dear My Childhood Bedroom

Dear my bedroom,

The Christmas season wouldn’t be complete without you. After stress between exams, people and anything else possible, I appreciate your comfort. I appreciate how you’re here for me (even though I skipped out on a few weekends from seeing you when I know I should have). The one thing I look forward to is your smell. The familiar scent for the instant few seconds I open you up and take everything in. Nothing else could solve my tiredness, stress, travel sickness or worry like the comfort of you did.
My mothers favourite part of the room is your ceiling. I missed your glow in the dark stars, and dolphins. I don’t really know why dolphins would glow in the dark, but mum arrived home one day with them and I was excited to put them all up. Years later they lost their glow a little bit, but not enough to take them down. Mum told me when she needs a little bit of hope she comes in and turns off the lights. I guess the glow gave her hope just like I got from them during sleepless stressful nights.

Dad never comes to visit you. Mum never said why.

I inherited you when my sister moved out. She thought if she annoyed me enough that I would move out and she would have the bigger bedroom. She underestimated my stubbornness and possessiveness. Which is why I still have you under my ownership. However, she was always allowed into you because of her once ownership. I never even tested her room, out of fear. But I would never want to cheat on you. I used to sleep in her room on Christmas Eve because it’s above our sitting room and she told me she could always hear Santa Claus. One of the rare times I wished the unthinkable… I never said it out loud though.

To make me feel better, mum would tell me to look out the window for the sleigh. She always told me she could hear the bells, and I convinced myself I could too. You encouraged my imagination. Many stories were written while staring out the giant window which took over the left side of my room. It’s been a constant battle between desk versus and extra bed, depending on the season and how I felt. I always preferred a workspace for creativity rather than study. I also liked sleepovers.

Your blue walls surrounding it still have an indescribable soothing effect I could never replace. Even if I did cover most of them with posters and pictures and trinkets and memories. You never failed to provide me with the space I needed to express myself. Your wardrobe provided a full view mirrored image of myself that I grew up with. I performed for arenas and stadiums and various stages in front of that mirror. Be it with a hairbrush microphone, or just for my stuffed animals.

Paddington and Penny await me when I return home. Their outfits changing on the season, and depending on how much time my mum has. They always spend the first week of college with me, but I always feel too bad taking them away from their home. So I get to come home and tell them of my adventures of college, just like how I used to tell them my adventures of dreamland. They were always interested to know.
The holiday season has brought a few dark moments back to my reality, but I get to hide away from it all in the comfort of you. I want to thank you for your support all these years, and apologise for the mess I made. I swear I’ll clean it up soon.
Maybe.

All my affection,
Eimear

glow-in-the-dark-stars-on-the-ceiling-and-walls.jpg

How Not To Study Week

1600012_1028266407215766_132801545_n

As of the 17.12.15 at 18.30 I am half way through my degree.
Terrifying stuff.
As exams were approaching, we have a Study Week of no lectures the week before exams start to learn off the whole course. Of course, this week is meant to involve locking yourself into a room with only a desk and ensuring that your fees aren’t going to waste.
HOWEVER…. we all know that that never really works out….


12348483_1028266317215775_358518530_n

Cereal will be eaten at midnight with a dinner bowl due to awful sleeping hours, lack of clean dishes and not having proper meals. (No offense! Cheerios and Wheetabix isn’t the most nutritious snack!

 


12386602_1028266310549109_1339537530_n

List of lovers will be made to keep track of your housemates love lives.
Oh dear. Lets move on!


 

12395069_1028266420549098_356977405_n

Buzzfeed quizzes and name quizzes will be shared in friend group chats for fun distractions. It works. This week I’ve found out I’m Monica from Friends, I’d save a plant in a house fire, the Taylor Swift song that describes me is “Shake it off” and that my personality type is INTJ. Which is 0.8% of the population.

 


12388080_1028266413882432_1569825756_n

One of your housemates may bring down all the toilet rolls and suggest a craft session. After a few days of glueing, painting and glitter-ing.. well… long story short- we have a toilet paper Christmas Tree now.


 

12388043_1028266447215762_1968631851_n

You may suggest to a housemate that wrapping a box would be cute for presents. Then spend almost an hour trying to wrap it properly.

It looked GREAT ok?????


12395534_1028266433882430_168500752_n

Okay
so a LOT of craft sessions happened
My house mates exam papers are now decorations in my home!
It was a huge hit :D


12366641_1028266440549096_191081607_n

Emotional support will be needed from friends all around. Also, facebook is a pretty big distraction in itself. I mean… LOOK at those hearts… how exciting!


12399027_1028266443882429_1876224963_n

It is important that when living in a house together that whoever makes the hot beverages alternates between people for equality. I enjoyed when it wasn’t my turn.


 

12388024_1028266353882438_302021428_n

10443825_1028266397215767_1158244795_n

 

Dressing up your housemates as a Christmas tree may be seen as “unproductive”

 

 

 

 


 

So even if you plan a Christmas dinner with all your lovely housemates (and honourary housemates), get dressed up with candy cane socks and a christmas hat with matching nails… You may end up sleeping instead of everything you were looking forward to… *cough*

Buuuuut at the end of the day….

Even if you try to actually study this week…

your house is probably going to look like this:

12388061_1028266453882428_2005949248_n

So best of luck!
<3 Have a lovely Christmas <3
And hopefully I’m not the biggest procrastinator out there!

Deafening Silence

Have you ever had to spend time in a waiting room?
It’s never an easy atmosphere.
Beep.
Do you want tea?
Beep.
No thank you.
Beep.

The silence is deafening.
There’s only one reason we’re all here.
Beep.
Avoided for as long as possible.
Beep.
Yet here we are.
Beep.

Your head is spinning.
Your mind is racing.
The beeping gets louder.
The crowd gets larger.
Everything builds up.
And up.
And up.
Until.

Beep.
Another haunting sound.
The noise which will never lose it’s familiarity.
Beep.
It’s meant to be the noise of hope.
It’s meant to be a positive thing.
It’s meant to be a good thing we even hear it.
Beep.

It’s the only noise ever made in the room.
Beep.
Bursts of constant noise.
Trying to reassure anyone.
Beep.
You may come accustomed to it.
Beep.
But beware.
Beep.

One day you might miss the

hqdefault