The You Before You

I know exactly who you are
As you are nothing new to me
I have already dealt with one of you before
In a time where I became absolutely knocked down
With no warning or apology
You may be feeling the same way

You never realised why I knew you so well
Oh darling
We met a few lifetimes ago
You have not changed

My feelings may be amplified towards you
But I know they are not really about you
They are about the you before you
How I could not end that like I wanted to
So I am choosing to end this
I am choosing to take power and control
Because I know exactly how it goes if I don’t

Trust me
I know exactly what I am doing

I remember the moment I spotted the you before you in you
It is an odd thing to think I was lured back to the same person
Correction – the same personality
Old habits die hard
Old feelings should stay old
In a way I was attracted to the comfort
The familiarity of knowing you

Sweetheart this was not new to me
You were not new to me
It was toxic the first time I knew you
I could spot the leak faster the second time around

The you before you was my warning sign
You were my mistake

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Woah November

Dear November

You flew. I didn’t feel you flying, but now you’re gone. Woah.

Usually throughout the month I decide on a ‘theme’ for the month. I have always done this without even the intent to write about it, so it’s not just particular to my monthly letter series. For August it was “yikes” but that month was horrid, but not miserable. September was “okay” because it was better than August, but not much else. October was “Thank You” because it was a healing month that I made myself aware of by filming and documenting more. Here I am November, and I can’t think of anything else but “woah where did you go?”.

In a way, that theme is very fitting.

The past few months I have almost been overly hyper aware of time passing, and trying to make it pass faster, and suddenly it’s gone and I feel… unchanged. Which isn’t a bad thing. As autumn turns to winter, not much else happened. I watched the Gilmore Girls revival, and absolutely adored it. Otherwise, not much else. November, I never planned on working on myself while you visited. I was happy when you arrived, so I didn’t think I needed anything to change. Sure, we had some hiccups November, but you weren’t around long enough to fight with me. I also cried a lot. I blame Mother Nature for accidentally spilling a bit too much emotion into my mix this month, but I also blame that Gilmore Girls Revival. But damn, I sobbed over almost anything that looked a tiny bit sad or provoked me in any way. I wasn’t used to this at all. My main point is that I’M not sad… (except for the Gilmore Girls part…like SUPER sad over that, as you know November).

I didn’t feel like I had to prove myself this month November. I felt comfortable, and happy, and content, and loved, and secure, and I never even thought about wallowing in self pity.

Thank you for helping me to realise my strength November.
Eimear.

P.S. College is fun, Studying is not.

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Sunday

Sometimes it’s just nice to have a week where my brain does not have to have any deadlines to worry about. Exam season is upon me, and I don’t have the time I would like to dedicate this week. Hope you’re all having a lovely day and I welcome you to tell me about it. This is my view, and I’m quite happy about it.

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I have a secret

I have a secret
That no one knows
Hidden in plain sight
Without being seen at all

A piece of art
That only I own
A piece of literature
That only I know

Something that inspired me
To inspire something else
Radiating like the sun inside
While still appreciating the moon

One day I might tell a soul
Who one day might have the honour
But one day belongs to me
Just like my secret does

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Nostalgic gears

“Short stories are tiny windows into other worlds and other minds and other dreams. They are journeys you can make to the far side of the universe and still be back in time for dinner.”
Neil Gaiman

A long time ago I stopped writing short stories
I never consciously made the decision to stop
Rather, I preferred to write about deep complex characters with long back stories that I knew absolutely everything about
But as I began to write my first short story in probably 4 years my chest swelled up with nostalgic happiness
I used to get an idea and write down as much as I could so I could remember and write and move on to my next project
I had too many notebooks to keep track of and far too many characters and plot holes to maintain
But I was so happy
Each character and each plot hole was filled with so much imagination because of the freedom I had to write about absolutely anything
I like my long stories, my poetry, and my blog posts
But I really love opening the part of my brain that produces short stories
It’s the first time in a long time that the gears in my head are turning as much as they used to and I cannot believe I’ve missed it so much

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Thank You October

Dear October,

We started off pretty rough, I’m not going to lie. I had just spent an amazing week with three of my favourite people and suddenly I was landed in a month where nearly nothing made sense anymore. October you were probably my most difficult month, but I also feel like you were my month of healing. I gave myself space to think. When a dark cloud loomed over me I tried to get out from under it. I kept reminding myself of all the good things in my life because there was plenty of them. You were my month of healing because you were my month that I found the negativities in my life and tried to reduce them. My frustration of nothing going my way was outweighed by my mind finally wanting to be at ease and accept events without an obligation to change them. For some reason October, you were a very thoughtful month. I tried to beat a few habits, and failed, but I still felt your warm encouragement each crisp afternoon. I explored a bit more and learned to say no a bit more to things I didn’t want to do. You were a weird month this year. Usually, there is the fun fuss of halloween with an overall cheery eery atmosphere filling the air, but I concentrated on something else this year. Don’t get me wrong, I had a fun time when I wanted to. However, October you are the reason for my heavy heart to mend a little because although Halloween is in the air, so is the welcoming autumnal embrace. I’m a bit disappointed in not keeping up habits, but I’m not discouraged. October I learned a lot with you. It was fun, but now your warm welcome is fading and your bright colours are getting diminished. However, sometimes this isn’t a negative thing. Thank you for your help October. My mind has grown in size with your encouragement, and my soul is beginning to build up some self worth again.
Thank you October.

I’m looking forward to returning to your orange glow once again.
Eimear.

P.S. I definitely ate too much on Halloween and I already regret doing it next year

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52

52
Weeks
Of mind rambles
From my brain
Who thought it could never happen
Because her thoughts weren’t significant enough

52
Posts
Received with love
Despite the darkness
Lurking behind every word
Waiting for the failure of a bad post

52
Times
Thoughts were gathered
Frantically edited and published
From gloomy thoughts on gloomy days
When the sun wouldn’t shine

52
Drafts
Hesitantly thought about
Striving for the right word
But settling for a deadline
Is the excuse I gave myself

52
Thoughts
Written half asleep
Too lazy to write down
Or fully give details to
Hoping the later wouldn’t come

52
Deadlines
Creating a structure
That was desperately needed
Proving to myself
I can sometimes be interesting

52
Weeks
After the first
Not much has changed

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Shaking it up a bit

Exactly a year ago I decided I wanted to keep a schedule on this blog. For 52 weeks I have not missed a post and well… I’m kinda proud of that! I had never kept a schedule before and I wanted to challenge myself to produce something every week for year. It encouraged me to write, to not write, to give the opportunity to guest post and overall just to prove to myself I can stick to something for a year.
Buuuuuut I didn’t decide not to post last Friday. I knew I had a self deadline…I just knew it had been a year and if I didn’t feel like writing I would give myself the week off.
It was strange.
For the past year I posted every Friday at 11pm (Irish Time) and received constant feedback, and love, and likes, and comments that I loved receiving. It was strange not waking up to that on Saturday morning, or any other day to follow. I don’t know if I missed it, or if it was just strange.
For a while I’ve been feeling like I’m causing more distance between myself and what I post weekly. What I’m producing each week isn’t really an accurate depiction of my writing, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
However, I liked writing weekly, but I’m going to change the day of publication to a weekday…..which I’ll eventually decide on.
There’s a few things I’ve learned about myself in the past year through my writing. These include such life lessons as poetry makes feelings easier to cover up, I like writing to and recapping on the months, likes are not an accurate representation of how good my writing is, the sea is very easy to write about, and I really like the Oxford comma… just to name a few!
Here’s to the next chapter of EimzPink
Thank you for the past 52 weeks❤

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Table for One

Have you ever had one of those late night slightly not sober nights of rambling with the people you’re most comfortable with? Sometimes it’s all fun and games and who has done what and what was your most embarrassing moment. Other times, epiphanies happen. I had an epiphany recently.

I am a generally positive person. I like to be happy, I like to make others happy and I like how I like being happy. Overall, I like people and do not hate humanity. I was talking about this to some of my friends recently. We are all passionate people, so this conversation got heated. I agreed that humans can do some awful things, but I’ve never experienced anything near that. That was my argument; why be mad at a world that has technically done me no harm?

Then it happened.
The one line that has stuck with me for so long after.
“You have the best faith in humanity because you don’t give anyone the opportunity to get close enough to hurt you”.

To say I was stunned was an understatement.
It was just weaved into conversation like something casual and that everyone knows.
But I just couldn’t shake it off.
I have always viewed myself as ‘reserved’, but I never realised to what extent.

Fake
Liar
Distrusting
Suspicious
Wary
Skeptical

All words that could describe me, and have been used to describe me. Personally I just prefer the term ‘reserved’. When I think of the list of words, there’s negativity. However, one word can just cancel all those others out. I never thought of myself as any of those words in particular, just a slight combination of them all. I’ve been called some of them a few times, and not always as an insult. It’s strange to identify as these words but I can’t help it.

I am reserved, and I always knew this. I just never realised how much other people know this. I also never realised how much it could be holding me back. There was no traumatic experience that shaped me into the reserved person I am. There’s no excuse why I shut others out and only pry open to less than a handful of people, before closing back up again. Layers and layers of personality, dreams, opinions and thoughts that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

Honestly, I wish I could. I wish I could convince myself that people are interested enough to hear what I say. I know I’m interested in what anyone else would ever tell me. I wish I could convince myself that what I would be telling them would be interesting enough. I know if anyone told me something personal, I would definitely be interested.

All my other blog posts reach a conclusion or at least promise at the end.
But for this one I’m probably worse than where I started.

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Okay September

Dear September

We had a good time.
I’d like to think of you as a healing month. Most people dread September because it’s the official ending of Summer. For me, this wasn’t a bad thing. Summer could have been better, and you could have been better. But, you weren’t. You were just okay. But okay is what I needed. I needed a time to recap and renew and you were there for me for that. We had a strong ending, but not strong enough for me to want to keep you around. You were supposed to be a month of renewal, but nothing was new for me. I got a routine back. I learned how to cope with this new routine. I learned to accept this new routine. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.
Nothing significant happened with you, but I didn’t want it to. The last thing I needed was something extravagant, like almost every other month offers. I wasn’t occupied every second of every day, but I wasn’t bored. I was content to be with you this month. I wish you pushed me harder. I wished I was more prepared for what is to come. But I would have hated you if you pushed me any further.
We’re saying goodbye tonight, but we both know it’s not for forever. You were my month of getting back into routine and calming myself down in a relaxing way, which is what I dreamed of months before. I got exactly what I wanted, but then realised it wasn’t what I needed.
Loads of things happened with you. I moved back to college, got to know new people, started new classes, explored a bit more and got to spend a week with three friends I adore with all my heart. I really want to thank you for that opportunity.
You were my month to slow down, which is what I physically and emotionally needed.
Thank you September.

Until we meet again,
Eimear.

P.S. You are going to be terrifying next year.

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