In the calm

​Greeted by a wave
In a midst of a hurricane
The feelings came back
Flooding back
Light striking
Fading black
Earth shaking
Tree breaking
Feel as if the world is making
Sense
When nothing seemed real
Rawness was a type of shield
Swallowed up
Anything
Or everything
Left it blunt and dull
When all I ever wanted
Was to finally feel full

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This is not the end

Ever since I made this blog I have struggled with my online identity.

I have scheduled posts, wrote weekly posts, wrote daily posts, wrote monthly posts, and yet I was always able to write for me.
For some unknown reason, in the past few months

I’ve felt myself become so distant to my blog and, in turn, my persona of ‘EimzPink’.
I know I’m no celebrity, and my Hannah Montana inner feeling is nothing like my actual situation (lol). But I just can’t help feeling dissociated from this blog. I never knew what I wanted to achieve with it, and I actually achieved so much with it!

However, this was all behind my screen. It had power over me. Anyone who knew had power over me. My inner thoughts, feelings, situations, mindsets, everything that consumed me. It was just available for anyone to stumble across.

I distanced myself because of this. Scheduling posts instead of publishing right away just incase someone noticed my mood when I wasn’t ready to talk. My own comfort corner of the Internet stopped bringing me comfort. It brought me the exact opposite. It stopped being my safe space.
Passive aggressive poetry was used instead of my old format of “today was a bad day and this is why …”

I lost touch with a lot of bloggers who I wanted to engage with. My blog squad felt distant but I knew I belonged with them.

I never want to delete this blog. I have timeless personal memories of times caught by a burst of emotion I wanted to remember. Although I felt paranoid at the time, I don’t mind having my past public because those posts made me the writer that I am today. Yes, they’re so cringey. But I love my progress.
However, I think it’s time to put my ambiguity to rest. I don’t like the clouded version of myself. I don’t feel ashamed for what I think anymore. I’m not just a moody kid with a blog.

I’m not stopping this blog, just simply cutting back. I’ll write a monthly letter, and maybe some updates but I want to end the ‘EimzPink’ era.

My name is Eimear.
I’m a 20 year old almost University graduate.
I love to write.
I also love a lot of other things.

I’m creating a new blog. I’ve been working on it for a bit, but still have a few more details to smooth over before I announce it to here.
If this isn’t the first post of mine that you’ve read, then I want to thank you. I never thought I would get even a fraction of the support that I receive almost daily here. It really means so much to me.

When I’m ready, I’ll link my new blog.
But until then, I have to thank everyone who filled me with positivity about my writing. (With a special shout out to my blog squad of course! )

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Dear April // Dear BirthMonth

Dear April,

It’s been a while since I went a while without blogging frequently. But the short explanation is that….well April… you’ve been pretty hectic.

20 years ago, I was born in this month and it always fills me with feelings of yellow and nostalgia. This time last year I had a college birthday that I wish I could forget about, but this year was different. This year was all things nice. I went for a pre birthday lunch with my parents the day before my birthday because they know how much I love my lead up. Honestly, it felt like I was at a meal with two of my best friends because we laughed our way through the fancy place we were at and people spotted for the rest of the time. My dad had brought me shopping and I met my mum during her work hours and I felt so content.

My actual birthday was anything but calm and quiet, but I loved every second. My godfather came to visit me in the morning, and my heart was overwhelmed with emotion. I was born on a date that means a lot to my aunt and her husband (my godfather), and every year they never fail to make me loved. This was quickly followed to my best friends house where we spent an hour genuinely laughing the whole time. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay too long, but her sister and her really made my birthday feel like my birthday and I appreciate them so much through my tears of laughter. When I returned home, I had a visit by my old childminder and her niece who I grew up with. I got the famous biscuit cake that I get every year and had such a lovely time with them. I napped for a bit, and then my dad cooked me one of my favourite dinners. My cousin, who I adore, came over and we went to see ‘Hairspray’ that one of my friends was Tracey in. I had such an amazing night with my cousin (who had NEVER seen Hairspray before!) and it was such an incredible way to end my celebrations.

I’m sorry I’m rambling April. So much more happened with you. I booked my whole Europe trip, I finished college, I went out with my class for the first time and had an amazing night, I started exams, I spent loads of time with my family and I started packing to move from my University forever.

Like always April, you never fail to impress me. As your golden rays turn into sweet pink May I count my blessings. I have so much planned for May and I’m so excited for it to finally be here. However, April, there is a catch. I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately, and my image online as it is growing. I don’t know how much I’ll update this blog from now on, but I will always try to do my monthly letters. (If you caught ‘this’ from that earlier sentence, it may be a hint at a new plan that I’ve been working on.)

April I enjoyed every moment of you. I can’t wait to see you next year. But I welcome May with open arms. I welcome the next chapter of my life.

All my love and affection and adoration,

Eimear x

P.S. This time next month I’ll be travelling from Amsterdam to Berlin!

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Wish for you

It’s funny how
I have no expectations
But my heart still stops
Only to speed up again
When I get a glimpse of you
Sparking a moment of hope
That I know will never last
No matter how long
I really want to believe it
This control over me
Is painful
So I spend my life
Wishing it away
When I really want to wish for you

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I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

This year, I had a clash in my timetable so I had to alter it. I had previously picked a module that links in well with my other ones. However, because I had to change it, I ended up in a pretty random class. I had never deviated away from the classes that I know how to structurally write for. All over, I thought it was hard because I had to reflect and think, rather than memorise and repeat. I really enjoyed it. It was the first time in a while that I found myself reading the assigned readings because I wanted to, rather than I had to.
This poem stuck with me. It was one of the first times I read poetry as art instead of homework. I hope you like it as much as I did.
——
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
 
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
 
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
 
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own
 
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
 
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
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The year we found ourselves

The year we found ourselves
My eyes were open
My heart was strong
And I was happy

The summer air
Made it easy to breathe
Filling each moment
With sunshine and happiness

The darkest cloud
Could not prevent
The radiating happiness
In everyone around us

I never knew I was so young in the world
And my eyes were opened again
The year we found ourselves
Was really the year we found each other

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I wish I could do more

Each moment that I can
I’ll give you my everything

Without hesitating
Or being asked
I’ll do the dishes
Or hoover somewhere

If it saves you a moment
That you’ll choose
To put into something else
Probably to help me

I wish I could give you more
Because you have given me everything
Without ever asking
Or asking for appreciation

I’ll try to help
But it will never be enough
To thank you for everything

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