In the calm

​Greeted by a wave
In a midst of a hurricane
The feelings came back
Flooding back
Light striking
Fading black
Earth shaking
Tree breaking
Feel as if the world is making
Sense
When nothing seemed real
Rawness was a type of shield
Swallowed up
Anything
Or everything
Left it blunt and dull
When all I ever wanted
Was to finally feel full

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Immortalised Memories

One of my favourite stories growing up was one that my aunt told me.
I come from a big family of twelve(ish) aunts and uncles and uncountable extended family members. My mum is ranked as the youngest girl, and I’m her youngest.
My aunt Mary is the oldest girl in the family, with two of my uncles before her. Despite the age gap my mum would consider her one of her siblings she’s most close to.
I never got to meet my grandparents, but my favourite story of Mary’s is one she told of them when she was born.
My granddad had just had his first pint after the birth of his first daughter. Chuffed at himself, he sipped away happily and content on his own.

One of the locals came in and said to my granddad:
“Ah Brendan, I just saw your two sons on the way here”
Without batting an eye, my granddad replied:
“Yes. But have you seen my daughter?”

The way my aunt tells it just almost transports me back in time. It’s a story that I genuinely would never get tired of hearing as it brings me a feeling of closeness to the grandparents I never had the privilege of meeting.

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I wish I could do more

Each moment that I can
I’ll give you my everything

Without hesitating
Or being asked
I’ll do the dishes
Or hoover somewhere

If it saves you a moment
That you’ll choose
To put into something else
Probably to help me

I wish I could give you more
Because you have given me everything
Without ever asking
Or asking for appreciation

I’ll try to help
But it will never be enough
To thank you for everything

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Nostalgic gears

“Short stories are tiny windows into other worlds and other minds and other dreams. They are journeys you can make to the far side of the universe and still be back in time for dinner.”
Neil Gaiman

A long time ago I stopped writing short stories
I never consciously made the decision to stop
Rather, I preferred to write about deep complex characters with long back stories that I knew absolutely everything about
But as I began to write my first short story in probably 4 years my chest swelled up with nostalgic happiness
I used to get an idea and write down as much as I could so I could remember and write and move on to my next project
I had too many notebooks to keep track of and far too many characters and plot holes to maintain
But I was so happy
Each character and each plot hole was filled with so much imagination because of the freedom I had to write about absolutely anything
I like my long stories, my poetry, and my blog posts
But I really love opening the part of my brain that produces short stories
It’s the first time in a long time that the gears in my head are turning as much as they used to and I cannot believe I’ve missed it so much

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Table for One

Have you ever had one of those late night slightly not sober nights of rambling with the people you’re most comfortable with? Sometimes it’s all fun and games and who has done what and what was your most embarrassing moment. Other times, epiphanies happen. I had an epiphany recently.

I am a generally positive person. I like to be happy, I like to make others happy and I like how I like being happy. Overall, I like people and do not hate humanity. I was talking about this to some of my friends recently. We are all passionate people, so this conversation got heated. I agreed that humans can do some awful things, but I’ve never experienced anything near that. That was my argument; why be mad at a world that has technically done me no harm?

Then it happened.
The one line that has stuck with me for so long after.
“You have the best faith in humanity because you don’t give anyone the opportunity to get close enough to hurt you”.

To say I was stunned was an understatement.
It was just weaved into conversation like something casual and that everyone knows.
But I just couldn’t shake it off.
I have always viewed myself as ‘reserved’, but I never realised to what extent.

Fake
Liar
Distrusting
Suspicious
Wary
Skeptical

All words that could describe me, and have been used to describe me. Personally I just prefer the term ‘reserved’. When I think of the list of words, there’s negativity. However, one word can just cancel all those others out. I never thought of myself as any of those words in particular, just a slight combination of them all. I’ve been called some of them a few times, and not always as an insult. It’s strange to identify as these words but I can’t help it.

I am reserved, and I always knew this. I just never realised how much other people know this. I also never realised how much it could be holding me back. There was no traumatic experience that shaped me into the reserved person I am. There’s no excuse why I shut others out and only pry open to less than a handful of people, before closing back up again. Layers and layers of personality, dreams, opinions and thoughts that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

Honestly, I wish I could. I wish I could convince myself that people are interested enough to hear what I say. I know I’m interested in what anyone else would ever tell me. I wish I could convince myself that what I would be telling them would be interesting enough. I know if anyone told me something personal, I would definitely be interested.

All my other blog posts reach a conclusion or at least promise at the end.
But for this one I’m probably worse than where I started.

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Okay September

Dear September

We had a good time.
I’d like to think of you as a healing month. Most people dread September because it’s the official ending of Summer. For me, this wasn’t a bad thing. Summer could have been better, and you could have been better. But, you weren’t. You were just okay. But okay is what I needed. I needed a time to recap and renew and you were there for me for that. We had a strong ending, but not strong enough for me to want to keep you around. You were supposed to be a month of renewal, but nothing was new for me. I got a routine back. I learned how to cope with this new routine. I learned to accept this new routine. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.
Nothing significant happened with you, but I didn’t want it to. The last thing I needed was something extravagant, like almost every other month offers. I wasn’t occupied every second of every day, but I wasn’t bored. I was content to be with you this month. I wish you pushed me harder. I wished I was more prepared for what is to come. But I would have hated you if you pushed me any further.
We’re saying goodbye tonight, but we both know it’s not for forever. You were my month of getting back into routine and calming myself down in a relaxing way, which is what I dreamed of months before. I got exactly what I wanted, but then realised it wasn’t what I needed.
Loads of things happened with you. I moved back to college, got to know new people, started new classes, explored a bit more and got to spend a week with three friends I adore with all my heart. I really want to thank you for that opportunity.
You were my month to slow down, which is what I physically and emotionally needed.
Thank you September.

Until we meet again,
Eimear.

P.S. You are going to be terrifying next year.

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Happy Year-A-Versary

365 days later and I’ve actually stuck to this. 

365 days, with almost 3000 hits and 300 followers nominations for awards and so many new friends 😀 I’d say the year was a success!

It’s always the starting point that everyone seems nervous about. Obviously I was nervous this time last year, but the amazing positive support from you all was overwhelming in the past year! 

That’s really it, to be honest… :3 I started off this post and wrote 2700 hits and had to change it by 300 in the past four days! (say whaaaaat). So yeah, that’s pretty freaking cool 😀 

And now I don’t have much to say, just probably some excitement noises. *insert excitement noise here*