Dear My March

Dear March,

Sometimes months move so quickly that suddenly it is the end and I have forgotten to write this. March, I can sum you up this year as a blur. I had so much going on, and it has not died down yet. You are kind of an awkward stage of the year March, and I mean that in the nicest way possible…I promise.

When I think of you, the only thing that comes to mind is the colour red, and the birthdays contained in March. I do not really know why I think of red. March has just always been red to me.

For the birthdays, it is two of my close family and two of my friends and one of my not friend. March is a busy month of giving myself to people. Dedicating time for them, their present, and spending time with them. It never really bothered me until this year when I had so much else to do. I could not dedicate the same amount of time to them as I would usually do. March, this made me feel kind of shitty. What is worse, is that I felt so bad that it made me feel so bad and that I was made to feel bad. March, I wish I could spend you with people I adore.

However, March, I had to be selfish this month. This is something that I do not feel comfortable doing. Especially in a month that never felt like it belonged to me. I booked holidays and spent nights in working on myself and my grades. I felt really good about it.

I made a lot of friends this month March. I got so much closer with my class because of late night bonding in our computer lab preparing for assignments, presentations, interviews, and demonstrations together. It felt nice. It felt so good to talk to people in the exact same situation as I am in. It felt like home in those labs and I do not think any other time in my college experience could compare to the camaraderie and companionship in that room. I am so sad it only happened in my last few weeks. But I am so happy that it did happen.

For the first time in a long time I felt like I was part of a team. I was not being dragged along or controlling anything. My strengths were used along with the strengths of others and I felt so happy in college. I felt strong. I stood up in the front of my class who all stood up in front of me and we told each other our passion projects we have been working on since September. I did not feel like I was talking to a group of eyes. I was talking to my team who only wanted me to do well.

I can confidentially say I did well, even if my results do not agree, I know I did well. I had a team ready to help and prompt me if I needed it, just like I had prompted and helped them.

March, I have never felt like you were mine. But this year I found a home in you. That was even better than any present I gave anyone.

 

I think we’re even now,

Eimear xo

P.S. It’s now my birthmonth

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Woah November

Dear November

You flew. I didn’t feel you flying, but now you’re gone. Woah.

Usually throughout the month I decide on a ‘theme’ for the month. I have always done this without even the intent to write about it, so it’s not just particular to my monthly letter series. For August it was “yikes” but that month was horrid, but not miserable. September was “okay” because it was better than August, but not much else. October was “Thank You” because it was a healing month that I made myself aware of by filming and documenting more. Here I am November, and I can’t think of anything else but “woah where did you go?”.

In a way, that theme is very fitting.

The past few months I have almost been overly hyper aware of time passing, and trying to make it pass faster, and suddenly it’s gone and I feel… unchanged. Which isn’t a bad thing. As autumn turns to winter, not much else happened. I watched the Gilmore Girls revival, and absolutely adored it. Otherwise, not much else. November, I never planned on working on myself while you visited. I was happy when you arrived, so I didn’t think I needed anything to change. Sure, we had some hiccups November, but you weren’t around long enough to fight with me. I also cried a lot. I blame Mother Nature for accidentally spilling a bit too much emotion into my mix this month, but I also blame that Gilmore Girls Revival. But damn, I sobbed over almost anything that looked a tiny bit sad or provoked me in any way. I wasn’t used to this at all. My main point is that I’M not sad… (except for the Gilmore Girls part…like SUPER sad over that, as you know November).

I didn’t feel like I had to prove myself this month November. I felt comfortable, and happy, and content, and loved, and secure, and I never even thought about wallowing in self pity.

Thank you for helping me to realise my strength November.
Eimear.

P.S. College is fun, Studying is not.

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Okay September

Dear September

We had a good time.
I’d like to think of you as a healing month. Most people dread September because it’s the official ending of Summer. For me, this wasn’t a bad thing. Summer could have been better, and you could have been better. But, you weren’t. You were just okay. But okay is what I needed. I needed a time to recap and renew and you were there for me for that. We had a strong ending, but not strong enough for me to want to keep you around. You were supposed to be a month of renewal, but nothing was new for me. I got a routine back. I learned how to cope with this new routine. I learned to accept this new routine. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.
Nothing significant happened with you, but I didn’t want it to. The last thing I needed was something extravagant, like almost every other month offers. I wasn’t occupied every second of every day, but I wasn’t bored. I was content to be with you this month. I wish you pushed me harder. I wished I was more prepared for what is to come. But I would have hated you if you pushed me any further.
We’re saying goodbye tonight, but we both know it’s not for forever. You were my month of getting back into routine and calming myself down in a relaxing way, which is what I dreamed of months before. I got exactly what I wanted, but then realised it wasn’t what I needed.
Loads of things happened with you. I moved back to college, got to know new people, started new classes, explored a bit more and got to spend a week with three friends I adore with all my heart. I really want to thank you for that opportunity.
You were my month to slow down, which is what I physically and emotionally needed.
Thank you September.

Until we meet again,
Eimear.

P.S. You are going to be terrifying next year.

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Yikes August

Dear August,

You were shit.
Okay that might be a bit harsh, but I was never one to always think positively, you know that. I had a bad month with you, and I’m finding that hard to accept. Endings of months have always been significant to me, where I recap and analyse all that happened within four weeks that feel like little chapters in my life. I like each chapter to have a happy ending, so I usually gloss over the dark days and embrace the good ones to even out the fuller picture. However, I can’t do that with you August.
You was my worst stats month since 2014. You know this doesn’t really mean that much to me in terms of figures because I know I didn’t work for them like I usually do. That was my problem with you. I didn’t look over drafts, I didn’t interact and I didn’t put my full effort into it like I usually try to. I put no work into it or you. I didn’t want to, to be honest. Mostly, I just didn’t feel in the mood. Don’t get me wrong August, I kept writing. I have so many first drafts that my laptop is full of storage and my brain is ready to pop. Ideas were just blurted out and copied and pasted thirty minutes before my self deadline. You’re making me reconsider that self deadline. I’m embarrassed to look over my blog for your month. It’s the first time I haven’t been proud of my writing, and I can’t say sorry enough.
Personal writing was thrown out the window in exchange for cryptic poetry with too many metaphors because I didn’t want to open up a can of worms, which would just leave more rambles, like what is happening now. August, you just left me feeling like I was being pulled from all sides without anyone actually wanting anything from me. Helpless almost. I’m a bit worn out from you, but I’d like to think I will welcome you back next year.
I don’t know why it is your month that broke me. Nothing too harsh happened. The problem was a lot happened. Looking back, you’re kind of a blur. Then again, that could just be my mind trying to get over you. I’m sorry things didn’t go well this time August. I’m not sure what my next move is, but I couldn’t handle playing cryptic games any more like we used to do. You deserve better. We deserve better.
I don’t know why I wrote a letter to you August.
I guess I just wanted someone else to take the blame for me.

All my affection,
Eimear.

P.S. I’m moving out tomorrow.

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Thank You Mum ♥

A letter to my mother. 

Dearest Mumsie Wumsie, 
I’m writing this letter to thank you for all the times you’ve made me smile. I love how no one can be around you without laughing with you. I love how you’re the ray of sunshine in my life, and I can only hope I’m anything like you. You know never to cross the line, but can still make me laugh no matter what. But one thing I have to tell you….you have no sense of fashion whatsoever. 😀 But it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you wear black with navy. I don’t care you’ve never worn daily make up. I don’t care you hardly know what make up is. I don’t care you think my eyelash curler is totally unnecessary and painful. I don’t care if you wear a ridiculously unflattering outfit. And I don’t care about these things because you don’t care. As long as we’re healthy, and comfortable, and happy what is there to care about? I love the stories that you tell. I love the stories you tell of me to others. I love how any situation can be helped by tea. I actually like helping you figure out how to work technology. I like knowing that in some small way, I can teach you something for once. I may not be the best with volunteering to do chores without making a huge “how great am I” scene, but I still like knowing that helped you in some way. I love how you’re not too strict. You know I collapse under pressure- even though I can now hide it too well. I love how you don’t lock me in my room and force me to study because you know I actually like to learn and can only do so at my own pace. I love how all you hear about the internet is about cyber bullying and things like that yet I never get a time limit on the laptop. I love how you know how much I love escaping into this world where YouTube can reassure me and teach me things (like make up DIY videos) that you couldn’t. I love how you try show an interest in things I like, even if that makes you endure the whole story of Wuthering Heights, or listening to a band that isn’t your style. And I think it’s hilarious how much you say you love the dog more than me, because who couldn’t? 
In conclusion, I love you. In every way possible. You are my sunshine. 
Love, (your favourite daughter), Eimear. xoxo