Dear April // Dear BirthMonth

Dear April,

It’s been a while since I went a while without blogging frequently. But the short explanation is that….well April… you’ve been pretty hectic.

20 years ago, I was born in this month and it always fills me with feelings of yellow and nostalgia. This time last year I had a college birthday that I wish I could forget about, but this year was different. This year was all things nice. I went for a pre birthday lunch with my parents the day before my birthday because they know how much I love my lead up. Honestly, it felt like I was at a meal with two of my best friends because we laughed our way through the fancy place we were at and people spotted for the rest of the time. My dad had brought me shopping and I met my mum during her work hours and I felt so content.

My actual birthday was anything but calm and quiet, but I loved every second. My godfather came to visit me in the morning, and my heart was overwhelmed with emotion. I was born on a date that means a lot to my aunt and her husband (my godfather), and every year they never fail to make me loved. This was quickly followed to my best friends house where we spent an hour genuinely laughing the whole time. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay too long, but her sister and her really made my birthday feel like my birthday and I appreciate them so much through my tears of laughter. When I returned home, I had a visit by my old childminder and her niece who I grew up with. I got the famous biscuit cake that I get every year and had such a lovely time with them. I napped for a bit, and then my dad cooked me one of my favourite dinners. My cousin, who I adore, came over and we went to see ‘Hairspray’ that one of my friends was Tracey in. I had such an amazing night with my cousin (who had NEVER seen Hairspray before!) and it was such an incredible way to end my celebrations.

I’m sorry I’m rambling April. So much more happened with you. I booked my whole Europe trip, I finished college, I went out with my class for the first time and had an amazing night, I started exams, I spent loads of time with my family and I started packing to move from my University forever.

Like always April, you never fail to impress me. As your golden rays turn into sweet pink May I count my blessings. I have so much planned for May and I’m so excited for it to finally be here. However, April, there is a catch. I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately, and my image online as it is growing. I don’t know how much I’ll update this blog from now on, but I will always try to do my monthly letters. (If you caught ‘this’ from that earlier sentence, it may be a hint at a new plan that I’ve been working on.)

April I enjoyed every moment of you. I can’t wait to see you next year. But I welcome May with open arms. I welcome the next chapter of my life.

All my love and affection and adoration,

Eimear x

P.S. This time next month I’ll be travelling from Amsterdam to Berlin!

88140-Hello-May-Goodbye-April

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Dear My March

Dear March,

Sometimes months move so quickly that suddenly it is the end and I have forgotten to write this. March, I can sum you up this year as a blur. I had so much going on, and it has not died down yet. You are kind of an awkward stage of the year March, and I mean that in the nicest way possible…I promise.

When I think of you, the only thing that comes to mind is the colour red, and the birthdays contained in March. I do not really know why I think of red. March has just always been red to me.

For the birthdays, it is two of my close family and two of my friends and one of my not friend. March is a busy month of giving myself to people. Dedicating time for them, their present, and spending time with them. It never really bothered me until this year when I had so much else to do. I could not dedicate the same amount of time to them as I would usually do. March, this made me feel kind of shitty. What is worse, is that I felt so bad that it made me feel so bad and that I was made to feel bad. March, I wish I could spend you with people I adore.

However, March, I had to be selfish this month. This is something that I do not feel comfortable doing. Especially in a month that never felt like it belonged to me. I booked holidays and spent nights in working on myself and my grades. I felt really good about it.

I made a lot of friends this month March. I got so much closer with my class because of late night bonding in our computer lab preparing for assignments, presentations, interviews, and demonstrations together. It felt nice. It felt so good to talk to people in the exact same situation as I am in. It felt like home in those labs and I do not think any other time in my college experience could compare to the camaraderie and companionship in that room. I am so sad it only happened in my last few weeks. But I am so happy that it did happen.

For the first time in a long time I felt like I was part of a team. I was not being dragged along or controlling anything. My strengths were used along with the strengths of others and I felt so happy in college. I felt strong. I stood up in the front of my class who all stood up in front of me and we told each other our passion projects we have been working on since September. I did not feel like I was talking to a group of eyes. I was talking to my team who only wanted me to do well.

I can confidentially say I did well, even if my results do not agree, I know I did well. I had a team ready to help and prompt me if I needed it, just like I had prompted and helped them.

March, I have never felt like you were mine. But this year I found a home in you. That was even better than any present I gave anyone.

 

I think we’re even now,

Eimear xo

P.S. It’s now my birthmonth

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January

Dear January
While everyone else is caught up in fuss of the party season, I feel like my whole family are the only ones who never seem to look forward to a new year. The last few seconds that count down a goodbye are spent waiting for you to inevitably come January. Each year, nothing gets easier. I avoid going home in January, because it is just almost too painful to see everyone. It has nothing to do with the new year, it’s just all about you January.
However,  unfortunately this year was much worse. Actually January, I must tell you that I want this month to be over so badly that I’m writing this well in advance before anything else can happen.
While everyone meets up with their family the next following days to wish each other joy and exchange new healthy meal plans, our family meets on Sunday mornings to offer comfort and give meals to those who are too numb from January to do anything productive. I’ve lost track at family gatherings if we’re celebrating the year, or the lives. Some families look forward to seeing relatives home, but there’s some in my family who I have only seen in black. But like I said, I like to avoid January as much as possible.
I am lucky enough to be able to leave the bubble of home, but out of sight is never out of mind. So I like to stick to myself this month, and slowly ease into the year. Of course I have made some good memories this month, but they’ll always be under the ‘January cloud’.
I lost a tribe member this year on top of everything else, but I know that it intentionally happened in January to avoid the cloud from spreading into another month. It’s almost laughable. Almost.
I wished I could look forward to you each year January, but it is hard to celebrate when no one else around me ever is.
I’m sorry that I never look forward to you.
Eimear.
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