Anger was never a quality that defined me. My brain would go through the emotions so quickly that the anger I experienced was converted to frustration, panic, or sadness before anyone could see me erupt.
Honestly, I could never understand anger. It never made sense to me how someone could lose control of sanity and just feel intense hate. I was once told I could never be a good writer because I cannot get angry. However, I noticed the pattern of writers mistaking anger for passion, and I could never thank anger for inspiring my thoughts and words.
When I was younger I did not throw tantrums. I sulked a lot when I did not get my way, but it was never violent or destructive. My parents always made the effort to talk to me and explain why or how I was denied something. I was not quick tempered, nor did I act out. Like any other child, I slammed doors and deemed life as unfair. But even I knew that I was reacting to get a reaction. Not because I was actually angry.
Recently, I noticed myself thinking angry thoughts. Originally, I tried to shake it off for frustration or just overwhelming emotion. But I felt horrible inside, and I could not figure out how I was feeling when I thought about Someone. It took me a long time to accept that it was anger. This is what rage makes a person feel like. Someone does not even know that I think about them this way because it has never crossed their mind. Someone I adored my whole life makes me so angry when I think about them and that makes me so upset because I cannot change it. I cannot stop being angry at them.
I could never confront Someone because Someone has never tried to hurt me in any way. Someone has let me down without realising it, but my high hopes were constantly crushed growing up. Their carelessness caused me lot of heartbreak. Someone makes me angry because they do not realise the damage they have caused to those I love and loved most. Someone makes me angry because I cannot control my emotions around them. I am so conflicted in myself to take a step back from them in my life or to leap into their arms. At the end of the day I have to forgive Someone because they aren’t just a someone.
Someone has shattered me my whole life but my cold shoulder to them is ignored because it is not evident. Short answers and general disinterest has been taken for teenage angst despite it clearly not being my usual behaviour. It does not surprise me that Someone does not see that.
I need to forgive myself for experiencing what I am feeling because I know I cannot control it. I need to forgive Someone, but they are never going to realise they need to apologise.