Table for One

Have you ever had one of those late night slightly not sober nights of rambling with the people you’re most comfortable with? Sometimes it’s all fun and games and who has done what and what was your most embarrassing moment. Other times, epiphanies happen. I had an epiphany recently.

I am a generally positive person. I like to be happy, I like to make others happy and I like how I like being happy. Overall, I like people and do not hate humanity. I was talking about this to some of my friends recently. We are all passionate people, so this conversation got heated. I agreed that humans can do some awful things, but I’ve never experienced anything near that. That was my argument; why be mad at a world that has technically done me no harm?

Then it happened.
The one line that has stuck with me for so long after.
“You have the best faith in humanity because you don’t give anyone the opportunity to get close enough to hurt you”.

To say I was stunned was an understatement.
It was just weaved into conversation like something casual and that everyone knows.
But I just couldn’t shake it off.
I have always viewed myself as ‘reserved’, but I never realised to what extent.

Fake
Liar
Distrusting
Suspicious
Wary
Skeptical

All words that could describe me, and have been used to describe me. Personally I just prefer the term ‘reserved’. When I think of the list of words, there’s negativity. However, one word can just cancel all those others out. I never thought of myself as any of those words in particular, just a slight combination of them all. I’ve been called some of them a few times, and not always as an insult. It’s strange to identify as these words but I can’t help it.

I am reserved, and I always knew this. I just never realised how much other people know this. I also never realised how much it could be holding me back. There was no traumatic experience that shaped me into the reserved person I am. There’s no excuse why I shut others out and only pry open to less than a handful of people, before closing back up again. Layers and layers of personality, dreams, opinions and thoughts that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

Honestly, I wish I could. I wish I could convince myself that people are interested enough to hear what I say. I know I’m interested in what anyone else would ever tell me. I wish I could convince myself that what I would be telling them would be interesting enough. I know if anyone told me something personal, I would definitely be interested.

All my other blog posts reach a conclusion or at least promise at the end.
But for this one I’m probably worse than where I started.

reserved-icon-16212

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10 thoughts on “Table for One

  1. I don’t even know why exactly I’m commenting. Maybe to say I understand what you’re saying so well, like more than I would even have thought possible.

  2. You know what, this is exactly how I found out I have commitment issues: someone bluntly told me. I never realised myself.
    But it’s okay, it’s who you are. Ask yourself if you want to change, if so, then this is just the first step to become a more open person: realising “the problem” (I’m putting it in ” because it doesn’t have to be a problem if you’re comfortable with who you are). If you don’t want to change, there’s no issue here. You are good the way you are, everyone gets moulded into shape by our experiences and our characters, don’t feel bad. The way we perceive ourselves is often very far off from how others see us. Don’t let this get you down, if anything, use it to build yourself up 😉

  3. I can relate to this! I had an a-ha moment like that once. Someone said to me, “You’re good at everything” and another friend nearby said, “That’s because she only does the things she knows she’ll be good at.” I was floored. And it was true.

  4. Well, I suppose I am a Reserved individual.

    But when I look at the world and people around me, I think I have a very good reason to be a Reserved individual.

    I’ve yet to meet the right person who will cancel my Reservations. 😀

  5. At the funeral of my eldest brother (6 years younger than me at the time) I announced that I was the family loner. And it is true. Growing up I wasn’t a loner until my youngest brother was born and my family had to move from Indianapolis to San Diego for his health From then on, until I joined the USAF everything was for my three brothers. We lived in neighborhoods with children their ages not mine. Friends I had, and they were few, were usually a mile or more away. And so forth. On active duty I isolated myself to a large extent and made few friends and those I had I have lost touch with. I rarely go out, except to church and a couple of other sorts of events But I am not lonely or sad. I have my pastimes and projects to keep me busy Not everyone is or should be a social animal.

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