My camera and I have a difficult relationship

Let’s slow down and breathe. I haven’t posted an emotional mind ramble in a while and this is a good way to get back into them. Raw writing.
Okay… So…
**Videos**
They’re sort of my thing and kind of always have been my thing.
In 2015, I recorded snippets of my life and put together a 20 minute montage of my 2015
Why?
Narcissism probably
Hah
| Jan-May | | May-September | | September-December |
I love memories,
I love looking back and reminiscing on the moment that I took the effort to document.
But throughout last year, that documenting transitioned into living through my own lens which left me so uncomfortable without a camera as I had to participate rather than stand back and just capture the moment.
Whenever I didn’t have a camera I felt like I didn’t have a purpose.
I stopped in 2016, which actually genuinely shocked a few people. But I never wanted to record my life; that was just a fun thing last year. It’s absolutely amazing to look back on and there’s not a part of me who regrets it one bit.
However, at the end of the year I had one main project.
Every other year I had videos for specific times. I love looking back at individual days, weeks or events which meant so much to me that I wanted to record them. By recording one massive video I took emphasis away from these moments. The moments that I treasured were replaced with comedic clips with no substance.
I didn’t realise how sad that made me.
I felt so much pressure throughout last year. Between who’s in my video and who’s not or what I’m recording or what I’m not. When someone liked me they liked being in the video, when I stopped talking to someone I was able to completely edit them out of my life with absolutely no trace. I had that power to make people think how little they mean to me.
That’s scary.
Moments happened with those people but it all looks like a long happy montage when in reality 2015 was a hard year.
I felt false.
I’m not stupid. I know people realise I don’t record the sad times, but they exist as much as the happy times. When a happy moment wasn’t recorded, people took it as a personal attack that I didn’t think it was a happy moment. That hurt me so much because it told me that my camera was more important than my participation. The worst part is probably the fact that people don’t even know they’re doing that.
My self worth was based off a lens in 2015. When people were recorded and edited and turned into a happy moment, they were glorified and worthy. I loved making people feel that way. I loved watching people watch my videos. The pride I felt when they wanted to show their friends and family their faces on my videos made me be overwhelming happy.
I thought.
I don’t want to record my life. I never planned on recording my whole life. It’s just the easiest option in film making. No script, no plan, and no preparation. Easy peasy lemon squeezey and people were happy when they were included.
I wasn’t happy.
People wanted my presence because they wanted to be recorded. Not because they wanted to spend time with me.Putting away my camera made me worthless to people, and taking it back out made me fake to myself. I don’t know where I stand after 2015.
My camera and I have a complicated relationship.

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12 thoughts on “My camera and I have a difficult relationship

  1. Honesty to yourself is probably the hardest thing to have. And figuring out the reason why people were in your life makes them the shittier person. You wanted to show people the good stuff, even if that meant editing out the bad. Nothing wrong with that, at times.
    Hopefully you and your camera work through the complications. Your work is amazing!

  2. This is so real. I cant say that I can relate but I too have felt what’s like to be a personality rather than an actual person. I think that’s just how people are. I’ve done the same. Self-awareness is something I dont see too often so I dont expect it much but you can always talk about it, you can always tell them what you feel. I hope things get better! Best wishes x

  3. This is so real and honest. Thanks for sharing. It is very natural to want to take pictures and want to record your life especially with all the technology available not to mention social media. It is sad how we tend to only share the good parts of our lives to make it seem like our life is better than it really is but that’s just the way society is right now. No one wants to share the bad parts and no one wants to hear about them or so we think. It’s hard to look back and think about sad periods in your life but it is important to remember them and reflect. The people who truly care or even just people that are realists will understand and know that things are not perfect and that’s perfectly okay. I hate hearing that you feel that people only wanted to be around you just for the camera. I can’t fathom that would be true because just reading your post alone made me feel like you were someone I knew and can relate to. I don’t think you should stop recording your life unless it doesn’t make you happy anymore and makes you feel sad. Do what makes you happy and not for other people. You seem like you know that already and will figure it out.

    1. Thank you so much for commenting, honestly this was so encouraging to hear 🙂 Hopefully society can come to a good compromise!
      I really appreciate all you have said
      Once again thank you so much ❤

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