Monday Morning

Monday Morning
Fresh and Bright
My only early start to the week
On Monday, mornings at nine o clock
School begins
Children are sleepy and parents are tired
But you can always catch moments
Tiny glimpses in other people’s lives
Who don’t even realise you’re there

Monday Morning
At eight fifty two
An elderly man strolls hand in hand
With a boy and a dog, who are probably the same age
On time and efficient
With smiling faces all around
You wonder if the parent is too busy
Or if there’s any parent at all
But happiness is in the home
By the toothy grin and the panting pup
And the man who has probably seen it all

Monday Morning
At eight fifty seven
A boy stands at the gates
Not even the height of it
His mother, presumably, bent down
A different language comes from him
Followed by tears from a cracked voice
She tries to reassure him
But it’s not a tantrum
With stamping and frustration
It’s just sad
With a bow of her head she announces to him
He nods and she wipes a tear before encouraging him to pass through the scary gates

Monday Morning
At nine o two
Runs a bouncing curls little girl
Freckles and a pink bag pack
Dragging her dad, presumably, by the hand
Practically miles ahead of him
His gaze doesn’t seem focused
But she’s so eager
And he’s as tired as my parents looked

Monday Morning
Fresh and Bright
But some don’t see it that way


11 thoughts on “Monday Morning

  1. I think this poem does have huge potential.

    The most important of a couple of recommendations I can suggest is that you work a little more on your diction; I feel like this style is something I have read many times before. It’s especially useful- being a poet- that you have your own unique voice and style. You don’t have to change what you think is your own poetic style; you just need to think about which words, metaphors, etc, will make this reading experience more interesting and engaging for your readers.

    Another thing to think about is the concept of “less is more”- a quote coined by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. Read over this poem and eliminate a word or phrase from the poem. Does it make a difference to the message you want to convey? If it doesn’t, cut it out. I would eliminate a few of the filler words- often adverbs- you may include in your poems, like “practically”. Unless it contributes to the image like “elderly” man (which I noticed you spelt wrong).

    I think you should revise “Monday morning” and repost it. You’ll see how drastically the effect of it has changed and be especially proud of this piece.

    1. Man just let the poem be the poem. No need to pick it apart. The imperfections aren’t important it’s the message. And next time-email your “critique” so you don’t make her feel less by having your comment out here. She’s proud enough to post it with the “grammatical errors”. It’s just a poem dude

      1. I’m just making suggestions to make her poem better. I’m not saying she shouldn’t currently be proud of the poem (even I am proud of it). EimzPink obviously adores poetry- which I can relate to- so naturally any poet should be appreciative of any suggestion someone makes.

        I do think “Monday Morning” has numerous positive qualities- as you said, the message, as well as the relatable content- and I completely understand how irrational picking apart a poem is. However, that was not my aim. My only goal with my comment was to strengthen the power of the message and not to depreciate the value of it or EimzPink’s skills.

        I wouldn’t be offended at all by the comment I made as a part of human nature is a motivation to be better and to work on our skills. I’m sure EimzPink appreciates this aspect and I find it both uncourteous and contradictory of your perspective that you think she would be ashamed by the recommendations I have made. I would also find it dishonest to say the poem is perfect- as you seem to want me to do- and offer no feedback for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.

        Nonetheless, I do apologise to EimzPink if pointing out her spelling mistake or providing her with feedback did offend her. But in the end, EimzPink is the admin. She will remove my comments if she doesn’t want them here.

        I stand by my perspective.

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