I feel like I’m falling. Just deep down into a detrimental abyss as I try to keep the charade up of the life I’m living in. I shouldn’t be here. I’m not ready to be here and “here” is already half way through. I can’t use an stove, I’ve never ironed a day in my life and I can’t tell the different between a washing machine and an oven, despite never using either. I feel like I’m so false and pretending to be ok. When in reality I’m sinking pretty fast. Sure on the outside I’m happy and happy to go along with frivolous things but I could never trust myself to be myself. I’m scared. I get scared a lot. With every boost of confidence comes a “you’re still underage and you still don’t understand”. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand how people make it look so easy so quickly. We’re more finished than starting and that’s terrifying that I still am terrified. I don’t want to take the rubbish bins out on my own, I don’t know how to mop a floor and I don’t understand how to use a cheese grater. No one sits you down to explain these things and I just feel like I’ve been standing for too long. I feel like I shouldn’t be in control of my life. I don’t feel comfortable buying something or going somewhere unless someone tells me that’s ok because in my mind it’s not. I’m trying to stay afloat but in the process I’m a sinking ship. Everyone makes it look effortless. They walk with pride in their stride and a head held high. I’m scared of alcohol and the effect it has on people and I’m scared it might have that effect on me. Because it might. And no one is there to say no and no one is there to tell me to ring them at three am for a lift home to a safe house in my cosy room which I’m familiar with. I know I’m living a life that others dream for but it’s sad that it’s not my dream. But I don’t know my dream, which scares me more. It’s frightening to think that anything fun I do after here has to be done on paid holidays and after hours. When you don’t know what you want, people think that that is an invite for them to analyse and choose for you. I feel guilt when I reject their selection but I’m not going to dig a bigger hole. I’m scared of the possibilities, even though that’s what I should be exited for. I’m not passionate about the stage of my life I’m currently in. And that’s what scares me the most.
But then again, I could just be homesick.