Staying Afloat

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I feel like I’m falling. Just deep down into a detrimental abyss as I try to keep the charade up of the life I’m living in. I shouldn’t be here. I’m not ready to be here and “here” is already half way through. I can’t use an stove, I’ve never ironed a day in my life and I can’t tell the different between a washing machine and an oven, despite never using either. I feel like I’m so false and pretending to be ok. When in reality I’m sinking pretty fast. Sure on the outside I’m happy and happy to go along with frivolous things but I could never trust myself to be myself. I’m scared. I get scared a lot. With every boost of confidence comes a “you’re still underage and you still don’t understand”. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand how people make it look so easy so quickly. We’re more finished than starting and that’s terrifying that I still am terrified. I don’t want to take the rubbish bins out on my own, I don’t know how to mop a floor and I don’t understand how to use a cheese grater. No one sits you down to explain these things and I just feel like I’ve been standing for too long. I feel like I shouldn’t be in control of my life. I don’t feel comfortable buying something or going somewhere unless someone tells me that’s ok because in my mind it’s not. I’m trying to stay afloat but in the process I’m a sinking ship. Everyone makes it look effortless. They walk with pride in their stride and a head held high. I’m scared of alcohol and the effect it has on people and I’m scared it might have that effect on me. Because it might. And no one is there to say no and no one is there to tell me to ring them at three am for a lift home to a safe house in my cosy room which I’m familiar with. I know I’m living a life that others dream for but it’s sad that it’s not my dream. But I don’t know my dream, which scares me more. It’s frightening to think that anything fun I do after here has to be done on paid holidays and after hours. When you don’t know what you want, people think that that is an invite for them to analyse and choose for you. I feel guilt when I reject their selection but I’m not going to dig a bigger hole. I’m scared of the possibilities, even though that’s what I should be exited for. I’m not passionate about the stage of my life I’m currently in. And that’s what scares me the most.

But then again, I could just be homesick.

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8 thoughts on “Staying Afloat

  1. It’s okay to be afraid about life. Just stop and think about all those people that you “see” walking with their heads held high, walking with the confidence in their stride. There may be something that has happened in their life to knock them down, and they could be putting on that outward look that they are ok. It’s all about what INSIDE that really gives YOU confidence. I’m 35, and I’m just getting to that place in my life. If you want to use a cheese grater, grab the cheese block in the middle, press the cheese against the grater and go slowly because you can cut your fingers! 🙂 Don’t feel bad about the iron either-my sister is 33 and still can’t use it 😉

    1. Thank you 🙂
      and I’ll keep the finger thing in mind if I ever decide to use a cheese grater!
      Thank you for your wonderful advice, it really did cheer me up 🙂 xx

  2. I SO know what you mean… I am very stressed (correction: terrified) about the future… The idea of booking a plane ticket and traveling abroad by myself – which is something I will have to do at some point – scares me, simply because I do not know how to do it or where to start? I like the IDEA but I just don’t understand how everything works, where to go, what to do. How to pay for the actual ticket. I don’t know how to book a doctor’s appointment or buy a house. Or get a job/go to a job finding agency…? It is all confusing and I have no idea how I’ll understand it all someday. I don’t understand how to enroll my kids in school (which is something I might have to do in the distant future if I have kids) – I know you can google these things but google doesn’t have proper answers that I can understand. Everything just assumes one knows the basics, when I don’t. I don’t understand what adults do with their lives and their spare time. I mean, what is even the goal of life?? More things I don’t understand/know how to do: I don’t know how to renew my passport. I don’t understand politics (I really want to). I don’t know how to vote. I don’t know how to get insurance. Or how to apply for stuff and all that paperwork. There’s no real life experience in me and the adult world seems chaotic and complicated and high maintenance. I can’t even book gig tickets. I don’t know what day the rubbish collection is on…

    By the way, washing machines have a round space in the middle and ovens have grids to balance trays on 😄 ^_^ Our oven has two settings, one for temperature and one with different cooking settings like ‘grill’, ‘fan’, ‘double grill’ and stuff like that (??) – You have to set both of them and then wait the required number of minutes for the oven to heat up. When it’s hot you put the dish in and put the timer on so you know when to take it out 🙂 And remember to wear oven gloves lol.

    It’s hard to cut your fingers on a cheese grater but watch out for grazing ’em!

    Mopping the floor:

    1. Fill bucket with water and washing up liquid/detergent/floor cleaner/whatever
    2. Dip mop in and mix, then wring excess water off mop so it doesn’t flood the floor. You want it to be damp not sopping.
    3. Scrub floor with mop, dipping and wringing off excess water off whenever it collects dirt
    4. Drain bucket water in sink and leave floor to air dry.

    😄 😄 😄 🙂 🙂 🙂 ^_^

    Sorry for the length of this comment 😦

    1. Don’t apologise for your comment! I love reading them, and appreciate them so much ❤
      So many people are under so much stress of just little things that keep building up. I want to tell you that "everything comes with time and experience" but that would just be contradicting my whole post!
      Thank you for your lessons on kitchen appliances! To be honest I will actually use them 😀
      I really liked your line "Everything just assumes one knows the basics, when I don’t."
      It's so true, but so many people feel this way.
      So we can work though this together 🙂
      Again, thank you for your comment 😀 xx

      1. I know what you mean! It’s so much easier to give advice than to follow it 😦 Oh, and you’re welcome for the lessons on kitchen appliances!! 🙂 If you have any more questions about that kind of thing, don’t hesitate to ask me, seriously! Any time. I shall be here.

        That line about everyone assuming one knows the basics, basically sums up my life! And I am SO, so pleased you wrote this post because it makes me feel better and less alone. Before reading it, I was going to write one like that but I stopped myself because I thought no-one else would be able to relate, and they’d think I was childish or something :-/

        Yes, we can!! We should just ask each other when we’re wondering about something 🙂

        Absolutely!! xx

      2. You’re so sweet 🙂
        And NEVER stop writing something on your blog because someone MIGHT not like it ❤
        And I'm also definitely always here 😀

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