The last time we met, I was confused about my future and starting University. Nothing much has changed, except for the fact that I actually started University. Gawd, that still sounds weird two whole weeks later. Since when am I a university student?
Since I started, my mind has been very conflicting. The first week starting was one of the most confusing weeks of my life. I had moved ‘out’ and went home that weekend. Never in my life have I felt so. . . so. . .confused. I had a totally identity crisis. “Where is my home?” was the main question which was always on my mind. I didn’t live at my childhood house any more, even though I tried to convince myself differently. I officially lived three hours away. Not even permanently, only until next May. Then what? Where do I go from there?
I’ve been ‘home’ every weekend. My parents joke that it’s like I never left. In my mind, that translates to how of much of a burden I am on them. I know this isn’t true. But, I can’t shake that feeling that I am stopping their lives because I’m too scared to move on with my own.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Galway. My flatmates are lovely. Anyone who I’ve talked to in my lectures are lovely. My sister is supportive. I’m able to find my way around. I had fun going shopping. Yet it still feels so surreal.
To be trapped is the feeling of no escape. I feel trapped, but I don’t know what I’m trying to escape from.
It’s been a big move. Some of my close friends have also made this big move, and others have one year left to do it.
I’m just confused I guess. I don’t know what I want. And that itself is simply terrifying. Isn’t this the point in my life where I realise that “Hey, I want to be a–.” Everyone around me seems so sure what they want to do. Yet I’m just floating.
There’s nothing wrong with my course. It’s broad, it’s not too intense, I can do loads from it. I can travel. I can do another degree. The possibilites are endless.
But the repeated phrase I use in my head is that there’s nothing wrong. But there’s a huge difference in ‘not wrong’ and ‘right’.
I don’t know what I want to achieve out of this post. Everyone’s telling me to lighten up and enjoy life. But at the moment, I’m far too scared to.
I dread thinking about it. I dread the end of the weekends. I dread not seeing my friends 24/7. I dread losing touch with them. I dread it being my fault. I dread being a burden on my family. I dread not having a life plan. I dread having to decide a life plan.
I know it’s only the first month of college, and obviously I’m not meant to be 100% sure what I want to do afterwards. But I’m not used to going plan-less. My wardrobe is more organised than my life right now.
I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I’m conflicted. I’m scared. I’ve creators block.
Yet I’m so good at hiding it all.
This is word vomit at the moment, and I know that no one’s too interested in it. I just need to vent sometimes, and where else to do it but a public site, I guess?