Word Vomit

The last time we met, I was confused about my future and starting University. Nothing much has changed, except for the fact that I actually started University. Gawd, that still sounds weird two whole weeks later. Since when am I a university student?
Since I started, my mind has been very conflicting. The first week starting was one of the most confusing weeks of my life. I had moved ‘out’ and went home that weekend. Never in my life have I felt so. . . so. . .confused. I had a totally identity crisis. “Where is my home?” was the main question which was always on my mind. I didn’t live at my childhood house any more, even though I tried to convince myself differently. I officially lived three hours away. Not even permanently, only until next May. Then what? Where do I go from there?
I’ve been ‘home’ every weekend. My parents joke that it’s like I never left. In my mind, that translates to how of much of a burden I am on them. I know this isn’t true. But, I can’t shake that feeling that I am stopping their lives because I’m too scared to move on with my own.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Galway. My flatmates are lovely. Anyone who I’ve talked to in my lectures are lovely. My sister is supportive. I’m able to find my way around. I had fun going shopping. Yet it still feels so surreal.

To be trapped is the feeling of no escape. I feel trapped, but I don’t know what I’m trying to escape from.

It’s been a big move. Some of my close friends have also made this big move, and others have one year left to do it.
I’m just confused I guess. I don’t know what I want. And that itself is simply terrifying. Isn’t this the point in my life where I realise that “Hey, I want to be a–.” Everyone around me seems so sure what they want to do. Yet I’m just floating.
There’s nothing wrong with my course. It’s broad, it’s not too intense, I can do loads from it. I can travel. I can do another degree. The possibilites are endless.
But the repeated phrase I use in my head is that there’s nothing wrong. But there’s a huge difference in ‘not wrong’ and ‘right’.
I don’t know what I want to achieve out of this post. Everyone’s telling me to lighten up and enjoy life. But at the moment, I’m far too scared to.
I dread thinking about it. I dread the end of the weekends. I dread not seeing my friends 24/7. I dread losing touch with them. I dread it being my fault. I dread being a burden on my family. I dread not having a life plan. I dread having to decide a life plan.
I know it’s only the first month of college, and obviously I’m not meant to be 100% sure what I want to do afterwards. But I’m not used to going plan-less. My wardrobe is more organised than my life right now.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I’m conflicted. I’m scared. I’ve creators block.
Yet I’m so good at hiding it all.

This is word vomit at the moment, and I know that no one’s too interested in it. I just need to vent sometimes, and where else to do it but a public site, I guess?


11 thoughts on “Word Vomit

  1. Aw :/ I hope you feel a bit better soon; and the plan will fall into place I’m sure. Give yourself some time to think and please, if venting helps then don’t be shy.

  2. Don’t worry, it will get better with time. When I started college, I had never spent more than a single night away from my family, and I was quite terrified to move away (even temporarily). But honestly the best thing that you can do is stay on campus/in town instead of going home every weekend. You’ll find things to do, make more friends, and get to experience a lot more of the fun social aspects of college. Best of luck!

  3. If it helps, I was in university for 7.5 years and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life! It has taken me until now to realise that that’s ok. It is completely normal. The most interesting people in life never know what they want ‘to be when they grow up!’ A lot of my friends went through a transitioning or settling in period when they first started in college. It took some of them the whole of first year to truly feel settled. Personally, I never really enjoyed the college experience until my masters. Everyone is different, and you can be sure that a lot of people who know what they want now will change their minds by the end of their degree!!!
    And this was my word vomit 🙂

    1. This actually helped calm me a bit! Was there any reason in particular which made you not enjoy college until your masters?
      Word vomit is always welcomed here 😉 ❤

      1. Yay for word vomit 🙂
        Honestly, I don’t really think I knew what I wanted to do back then and was just in college for the sake of getting that piece of paper by the end of it. I did 2 years of Law before deciding I didn’t like it, then switched to Event Management and sorta enjoyed it – the subjects were ok, it wasn’t too challenging, my classmates were nice but we were a very cliquey year. My masters on the other hand was amazing – I loved the content I was learning, my classmates were great, we all accepted each other for who we were, there was no cliqueyness at all – I did get to study in 3 different countries in 15 months though so I gained a lot of life experience also!
        I can’t really explain it. But I STILL have no idea what to do with my life 😛

      2. Well that sounds familiar alright 😛 haha! That life experience sounds amazing! I’m already jealous! And if I turn out anyway like you at all, I’ll definitely be content with my life choices 🙂 Who needs plans anyways 😉

      3. Haha! It’s all about throwing caution to the wind 🙂 I may be moving back to Dublin for a bit very soon though…. It’s weird how life throws different adventures at you when you least expect them!

  4. I know there has been other comments which are similar to what I have to say. But still. Don’t worry. I was like this when I first started, I moved 3 hours away, I had lots of friends at home still and visited my family every weekend (probably for the first half of the year). I did finally settle in more, I wasn’t one for drinking excessively or anything so just felt I automatically wouldn’t fit in… but once you just try and immerse yourself you’ll be fine. Home won’t forget you, they’ll appreciate you. You will grow as a person and it’ll be so good!
    Oh and I graduated but I still have no plan 😛

    1. Honestly I love how so many are commenting, because each comment has the same amazing message to me. Like you, I’m not a big drinker and this isn’t as much of an issue as I thought it would be. From what I hear, no one really has a plan xD Which is inspiring to me because it’s definitely calming me down! Thank you so much 🙂 xx

  5. Reading your post, I could basically check off every fear and emotion you described. I had a horrible August, worrying incessantly about university and being an “adult” out on my own. So I know exactly what you’re talking about :S

    I guess I can’t really give you advice about moving out or not having a plan, since I’m living at home and am fixated on being a vet, but I maybe can help with the feeling of being trapped and scared, ’cause I’ve felt the same way. I felt like going into university was taking away my freedom, but I’ve combatted that by exploring. I’ve found a few little spots that I’ve claimed as “my own”, in gardens and under trees and in corners of cafes where there aren’t many people. To me, going there away from the campus buildings and the bustling students has made me feel like I’m escaping. Maybe it will help you too 🙂

    I hope you settle in soon and find your groove. But till then, keep on venting however you feel necessary, and we’ll be here to cheer you on!

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