I’m in a predicament

You see, the deal is that I hate people. 

But only recently. 

I mean, I know there’s good people out there. But if someone were to hand you a plate of cookies and tell you that 4 out of 5 of them had death-causing drugs in them. . . there’s not a very high chance you’d pick one at random. I don’t know where that metaphors going, but whatever. 

If you were to talk to me this time last year I would have told you my friends are my world. And they are, just not as much as they used to. My “best friend” stopped talking to me in the past month for no reason, and when I confronted her today about is she kept repeating the phrase, “I don’t know”. 
I don’t know. 
Don’t ask me, I don’t know. 
I still don’t know. 
I don’t know. 
It felt like I was talking to a child. A petty, immature child. Not someone who is eight months older than me. Slowly, she’s turning the friend group against me. This is surprising, as we’re known around school as “Eimear and Them”. I know there’s the majority of girls in the group who won’t want to take sides. But come September, when they’re all in school being constantly around her, and I live an hour away. . . whose side are they honestly going to take? 

It’s not out of badness. . . just the insecurity that if this one girl doesn’t accept their opinions, that the whole group will come tumbling down. 

But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m surrounded by idiots. It may be the fact that school is finishing forever in two days, and my stress levels are high. But honestly I think it’s due to the fact that I spend far too much time on tumblr. 

Unlike my class mates, the majority anyway, who occupy themselves with gossip on facebook, I am constantly surrounded by awareness posts on tumblr that I would never have access to otherwise. . . and cats. . . many many cats. . . but cats are not important now! 

I can blame it on stress. I can blame it on hormones. I can just simply blame it on being a teenager. 
But blaming it doesn’t solve the problem. 

I want to inspire people, and I feel like my mind is too swollen to do that where I am currently. 

It’s only recently that I’ve notice that I filter myself around people. I play the role as the “always happy” one who is “always smiling”. I am handed problems with the notion that I can fix them all without thinking twice. 
And I can. 
It’s just tiring. 
Because people hand me their problems without handing me potential solutions. 

I have just come to the conclusion that my friends are sheep. 

I’m just a shepherd. Unintentional, yes. But a shepherd no doubt. 

Today for example, one of my friends was out. We sit in a three in maths. I’m at the end, and my friend in the middle was absent. My friend who sits at the other end would be very close to me. She’s one of the few who would take my side with no questions asked. But today, she asked me was it alright to sit next to me. 
Of course it was. 
And I felt horrible at the fact that she felt she couldn’t do that without my permission. 
Now, to you, this may be a useless story but the more I’ve noticed it, the more I realise the extent of little stories like that.

I’m the one with the constant responsibility. I alone have to make sure everyone’s happy, whilst being happy myself. 

But after five years, I feel exhausted. . . 

Not happy. 

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3 thoughts on “I’m in a predicament

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been so unhappy :/ We can always hope it’s just stress and hormones and high school in general, and that the proverbial storm will ease over the summer. I hope things get better and you can go back to being happy and confident and inspiring others.

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