I failed my English test today.

Came home today from a spectacular holiday up north to my report card. My parents tried to hide it from me but when they put it down I glimpsed at the only score I was really worried about.
English: E
I ran to my room and cried. I broke down. My teacher said if you don’t get the mark you’re not welcome in her class. Her higher level leaving certificate class. And here was I….so close yet so far. Then my dad called me down to discuss the rest. I refused. I was a wreck. I still had a response journal not filled and I had failed English. I failed my fluent language because of a dusty old poet and a Scottish play. So thinking more into this, I cried some more. Eventually my started to get mad at me for not going down- sorry, you know just having a total meltdown about everything in life and how much of a failure I am. I sat with hair over my head, head on my knees, and knees on the ground in a corner of the room. Crying. Mum then came up as dad was getting too frustrated. She stood at the door of my room, asked me what’s wrong. I told her I failed English. Thinking maybe I could get some sort of compassion, but nope all she said was “only English? I guess you didn’t see chemistry either. Come down stairs” and left. Which of course resulted in me crying even harder. So eventually I collected myself. Well, until I saw my dad down stairs and broke down again. My teacher was going to kill me. I leaned in for…I dunno? A comfort hug? He then pushed me away and told me to stop crying and that it meant nothing. Nothing. How could something that effected me so so much mean nothing to them? I put my blood, sweat and tears into English all year and now they’re passing it off as nothing? How many times do I have to say it? I failed the only thing that mattered! So then they talked to me, not that I was listening much. Too busy looking at the comment my English teacher put there about bad spelling, poor knowledge of the texts, terrible written expression and more.
Then the funny thing happened. My parents tried to convince me to stop crying because they’re not mad at me. I’M MAD AT ME! At that point, they didn’t even come into the equation of why I was crying. I care a lot more of what my English teacher has to say than them telling me to “get the head down” for next year. You have no idea how much I loathe that expression. So went back to my room and cried more.
Mum forced me out for a walk and told me we didn’t need to discuss things. I guess I see where I get my “pretend problems don’t exist” gene. Then she actually had the nerve to talk about it in public, causing me to again break down. Luckily no one was around, but it was still pretty embarrassing.
For once, I don’t want the problem pushed away. I want comfort. I want to be sad. I want to have emotion. And I want someone to tell me it’s ok to feel this way.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “I failed my English test today.

  1. omg that’s exactly how i feel right now. i mean i LOVE english but i totally failed that fucking, stupid exam. All i wanna do is just talk about it and cry, i want to feel the emotion, i don’t wanna push it away but my parents don’t find it important and tell me there are more important things to be worried about. I AM TOTALLY FREAKIN OUT

    1. Woah, I sorta forgot about that post. I felt horrible writing it so I know how you feel. I’ve improved in English only by learning off essays- I have a horrible education system. But you’ll get through it 🙂 consider me your virtual pen pal if you can’t 😀 thanks for the comment

  2. Sounds to me like you are very expressive and relayed your feelings pretty well in that post – maybe dusty old poems and plays are not your forte. Still, I know it’s hard when you have to fit into that peg. Hang in there. Every disappointment teaches us a lesson. Good luck.

  3. i think most english profs. are morons. i never had one that said write and we can work on the grammer later, i failed a test because of a comma splice. i still don’t know what a comma splice is………..i finally had one in college that helped me enjoy good literature. but they are few and far between, good luck

  4. Hi eimzpink. I am old now but never bothered with exams my thoughts were always on my poetry. No doubt life is different today. But can say I am independent and answer to nobody. Do what you want you are the only one who can help yourself. If you want it you get the exam next time. Thank you for liking my poem “Rational Thought!” Be Safe and Well. The Foureyed Poet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s