Frustration

Frustration fills my mind with fear 

I feel too stretched 

like I’m not really here 

 

my minds on the surface

yet I’m ten feet away 

trying to figure out something to say 

 

I’m wanted here 

Yet I long to be there 

and I’m kinda just floating everywhere 

 

I have too many people

who care too much 

yet I still feel like I’m causing all the fuss 

 

but isn’t that a good thing

to be loved by all 

even if my hair is fuzzy, and my height too tall 

 

still I’m not happy

because it’s not the whole me

just the me that I choose to be 

 

that is my own fault 

and for that I’ll take credit 

but that still doesn’t mean I can’t regret it 

 

I sit in my mind 

and let my thoughts stir 

I just wish things weren’t the way that they were

 

A Quick Update!

Hello! I am back from France, and I’m feeling as sad as ever! I literally just had the most amazing week of my life in Taize, and I met so many new cultures. I made such good friends with Swedish people and I cried the whole way home. 
My summer has been very hectic so far, as I haven’t been home for more than a day in a while… 

But bare with me guys. 

I’m heading up north to bad internet for a couple of weeks, so sadly I won’t be posting here for probably a bit. Which sucks, because I have so much to write about. But you can just look forward to that, right?

I will take this post down when I’m back, so when it’s gone you can expect great things! 

But until it gets taken down, comment below your most life changing experience that you want to share! 

Goodbye for now Friends <3 

A perfectly peaceful evening

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I was visiting my cousins down south last week, and the weather was strangely amazing. Like, over 20 degrees amazing. See that photo above? That’s obviously not 20 degrees. But that photo does have a story behind it!

It was a stunning day, and my cousin and I had just returned from a woodland walk. We decided to then go to the beach. And by we, I mean he decided and I didn’t want to say no to him. But when we got to the beach it was so crowded. Like, I felt like I couldn’t even breathe there were so many people on this tiny beach! I was also not expecting everyone to be practically half naked, so already I felt over dressed. I was wearing denim long shorts with a light shirt, so I was unintentionally covered up. Being at my cousins, I obviously didn’t know anyone else but him. However, it felt like he knew everybody. I felt awkward and honestly I did not want to be there. I was introduced to a few people, but they just seemed so. . . different from my own friends that I didn’t feel comfortable around any of them either. But being the good cousin that I am, I endured about an hour of this before my cousin finally got the hint.

That night, we went out for dinner. The restaurant was looking out over the beach, and it looked amazing. I asked my cousin did he want to go down after dinner and he, being the amazing cousin that he is, agreed. We walked down and sat on a wall. The only people on the beach were two couples, both with dogs. It was still quite warm out, so my cousin and I just sat on a wall looking out on the horizon. Just then, an elderly man appeared with a metal detecter. Yes, you read that right. He was our main source of entertainment. He was just the type of old man you’d want to hug. (And he told us he found a couple of euros). My cousin and I joked how we would throw our phones into the sand just so he could find them! (Obviously we didn’t! Hah). At one point, there were like 10 dogs on the beach. We talked to one dog owner (who let me play with her happy little puppy). Do you see that man standing in the photo? He came down with his dog and his cup of tea. Not takeaway tea or anything, like an actual mug with tea in it. He played fetch with his over hyper dog. We decided to name all the dogs. Our personal favourite was Bullet. Who ran after anything! We saw a car with a surfboard attached on the roof pull up. After they decided there were definitely no waves (clearly in the photo), they took out a couple of fishing rods and went fishing. A stray dog (named Daisy) came along, and we made friends with her.

It was like we visited a different place altogether, and I definitely liked the second one better. Although it wasn’t filled with girls in bikinis, my cousin quite enjoyed it too!
And that night we unintentionally matched outfits. #Twinning

The Leaving Cert Book Burning!


I had one of the most amazing nights last Saturday. I was invited to my friends house for a book burning, and I’ve never been happier. The group that was there wasn’t my usual friend group. I’ll spare you the long dramatic details, but this group accepted me with no questions asked, and I’ll always thank them for that.

So I arrived to her house, with a bunch of flowers and met the whole family. I was second there, with my friend (who’s always early). The other friend was in my other friend group, so I would be closest to her. This is getting fairly complicated. I’ll continue.
But you see, meeting her family was pretty cool, but I also MET HER KITTENS.
I made friends with this one. She’s called Moo.

After meeting the kittens and what not, we sat out at the pit waiting for the others to arrive. It was SO WARM and it was amazing just to finally relax! The rest of the group started to arrive and we chilled and talked for a bit. (That cat is called Vomit)

We then played garden games. And by games, I mean game. We basically played rounders/rugby/football all at the same time. . . very eventful. I regret wearing a dress. . .

We had food (curry woo) in the tent-like thing in the garden and listened to fairly funny 90′s pop music! One of the boys sister had made a cake for us! It was so cute! We were meant to put alcohol in it, and light it. . . but it didn’t exactly work. . . so we may or may not have used firelighters. . .

We finally got around to burning the books, and we burned until 2 o clock in the morning! It was a such a clear night, so the stars were amazing. We also called into a local radio station and got our names called out. We played more garden games, and had a lot of dmc’s (deep meaningful conversations) on the trampoline. It was perfection.

After that, we all went inside to watch a few movies, but at the end of the first hour, there was only 4 of us awake. That then dropped to myself and the hostess being the only ones awake. Instead of sleeping, we watched The Holy Grail, Kronks Movie, 21 and Over and Oliver and Co. Eventually everyone started to wake up and we had an Austin and Ally marathon!

But the night was perfection. I wouldn’t change one thing about it.

To lose a friend is ten times worse than to lose a lover.

 

This statement may seem bold, but it is true. (In my experience it is)

Because no one will ever understand.

A relationship bond is different from a friendship.

A relationship includes love, lust, happiness and balance

A friendship can be anything

All friendships are unique. We are all different people in front of others. The way we interact with our friends, is far from the way we’d interact with our parents.

But friendships are more common than relationships.

You can have hundreds of friends, but you can only really have one lover.

Which is why it’s harder when a friendship breaks up than a relationship.

People have sympathy for losing a lover. It’s almost expect for both parties to spend the next month crying over what could have been.

But with a friendship, you can’t do that.

People don’t understand that bond.

In reality, broken friendships should be cried over most.

I lost a really good friend recently, which is the inspiration for this I suppose, and I’ve noticed a few things. People don’t have sympathy.

Friendships seem so common that people think that losing one is nothing.

I love ALL of my friends, but I had known this particular friend for 5 years of my life. Five years we’ve spent side by side, and then one day she decided I was too controlling for her.

I’m powerless.

Everyone has told me I can do much better. And I know that. I know that the friendship was toxic for me. But five years had to mean something, right?

I want to scream, I want to shout, I want her to tell me what I actually did to make her so angry at me.

But I also want to cry. To cuddle up and eat ice cream for days. To call her and apologise for things that I never did.

But I’ve done that far too many times for it to be even healthy.

I decided this time I wasn’t going to make the first mood to fix it.

Two months later I’ve not heard a word from her.

Two months of no communication.

I have friends who cannot believe I’m still wasting my time on her.

But no one understands.

This is the girl I met in first year on the first day. The girl I’ve shared priceless memories with. The girl who never minded if I randomly showed up to her house. The girl who’s parents love me. The girl who I’ve shared my embarrassing stories with. The girl who has lived those embarrassing stories with. Five years worth of stories.  The girl who never made me feel isolated for my interest in anything which was not mainstream. The girl who wasn’t ashamed to shout from rooftops that I was her best friend. The girl who was my best friend.

The girl who would still be my best friend, if she replied to me.

But in most relationships, we only reminisce the good times.

This is the same girl who was toxic to me. The girl who only used me as her second choice. The girl who made me feel like a third wheel. The girl who criticised things about me that I could never change. The girl who abused my niceness and generosity. The girl who used me to get to know other people. The girl who would never let me tell her my problems, because we were always too busy dealing with hers. The girl who made me feel abnormal because I knew random trivia facts. The girl who changed once we got split up into different years.

She’s the girl I need to say goodbye to, because if she can’t make the effort anymore, why should I?

She’s the girl who I’ll always remember because she was with me through all the important parts of my life growing up.

She’s the girl who has shaped me into the person I am.

She’s the girl who I’ll miss the most.

She’s the girl who knows me well enough that even in ten years time if she called me with a problem, I’d never hesitate to help her.

 

Oops, I’m outside

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Oh look. I’m outside. That’s always fun.

So basically, I’m mid way through my exams and I haven’t left my house in longer than I care to share with the internet.
I know I should be grasping every minute to study and this week will literally change my life forever… but oh well.

I was upstairs in my room and looked out my window and I remembered that when my sister was doing her leaving cert (end of year exams), she always told me that I should be outside instead of on the internet. Of course I didn’t follow her instructions. But looking out that window-

IRRELEVANT SIDENOTE: my dad just locked me out of the house as he thought no one was outside. . . wow. .  .

So yes, looking out that window I actually understood what she meant.

But I know that I’ll forget about it all this time next week.
BECAUSE THAT’LL BE SUMMER

OTHER IRRELEVANT SIDENOTE: There’s many stray cats around where I live and they’re all meowing at me and I feel like I’m the one not be to be here…..
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The first one has a white moustache but doesn’t like humans. The second one is my friend.

OKAY

So I was rambling about some window strategy but I’ve kinda defeated the purpose of this post as it got dark and I had to go back inside.

I’m almost finished my exams.
I’m almost there.

I love writing this blog, I really do, but I just feel like I’ve kinda reached it’s full potential at this point. I’d love to move on to something new, but WordPress has definitely become my safety blanket. The dream is to one day become a successful YouTuber, but not for the fame. I LOVE MAKING VIDEOS. They’ve always been my passion, and this blog was started so I could dip my toe into the water of the public. It has been successful, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been actively blogging for over a year, so it’s really interesting to go back to where I was this time last year and see how much (and how little) I’ve changed. My mind frame, and way of thinking has totally changed, and I’m starting a new chapter of my life soon. But hopefully that chapter involves making more videos, and making more online friends here. I have no idea where I’m going in life and the internet has thought me that that’s ok. I know this is my first blog, and very unstructured, and unplanned, and unscheduled. . . but that’s why I love it. It truly is my haven of procrastination. My comfort. My secret.
But who knows, right?

“I’M DOING ME LEAVIN”

Ahhhhhh blehhh mehhhh gadhhhhhh

It starts tomorrow

TOMORROW

And I’m so excited!
Like, I’m not dreading the oncoming week at all! Which is rare!

I’ve convinced myself that it’s not the end of the world. I’ve worked(ish) for the past two years, and I will succeed.

If I don’t, I have like a billion back up plans.

I don’t know if there’s any other leaving cert reading this, or anyone else doing the equivalent of final year exams, but we can get through this!

I’ve gathered a few videos about studying and exams which has sorta helped me get through my final year. But who knows yet.

As these tests kind of determine my future, you won’t see me here until the 18th of June!

I’ll see you on the other side guys!

Here we go:

Take a look at this video if you’re feeling a bit scared about it all.

Take a look at this if you’re up for a tune with a good message in the video.

 

Take a look at this if you want some easy study tips, and easy outfit ideas (if you don’t have a uniform that is). 

Take a look at this if you’re looking at how to survive exams.

Take a look at this if you want to distract yourself from worrying. 

Take a look at this if you’re dreading exams, and need a laugh.

 

Take a look at this if cheating is your last resort!