Home(sick)

I was never really a city girl. Sure, I had all the fantasies of living in a luxurious apartment overlooking street lights and artificial nature. I mean, who didn’t? The dream life was waking up, grabbing a coffee from an overpriced shop and zipping to my fantasy job.

I don’t even like coffee.

I currently live in a city. It’s handy. It’s close to loads of shops. It’s accessible and near any building I could ever want. I have giant yellow beams guiding my way home every dark night. It’s all very new and modern. It feels like christmas lights are always following me. All my friends live less than fifteen minutes away. I get to walk by the river each bright morning and each neon night. There’s always someplace interesting to be, or someone interesting to see. It’s impossible to be bored here

Yet. . .

Yet. . . I miss calm. Wow, I sound like the coolest college kid ever.

But I do. I miss the stars. I miss not crossing a billion traffic lights to get to one shop. I miss the sounds crickets. I miss the sky not having a constant orange hue due to light pollution. I miss no cars on the road or no lines to guide them. I miss having animals around me.

I’m happy, in a sense, that I’m in Galway instead of an actual big city. Galway is filled with lights and parades and excitement. However, it does have it’s own secret nooks and crannies which would only be there for those who look for them. They bring the peace back, even just for a little while. It doesn’t beat waking up to the sounds of a million birds, or counting the beams given off by a nearby light house to make me sleepy.

Galway is a pretty place. I just miss my own pretty place.

Content

I feel happy. Scratch that, I felt happy. I had finally felt good after a month of moving and new surroundings and new friends and I come home for one weekend and I feel like I’ve attracted the sadness. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world, and I can’t wait to get back to Galway to escape that. . . and that’s such a horrible feeling to have.

I don’t tell my feelings to just anyone. I’m not an open book. Ironic in a way, as this blog exists. But it’s true. I play the role of the always happy one because I feel guilty if I’m feeling a bit sad, because there’s so many people I know with genuine feelings to have. And I can’t help them. They tell me their problems, and I can’t do anything in my power to help them.

It sucks.

If it’s friend problems, I can help fix that. If it’s relationship problems, I can fix that. If it’s someone who has failed a test, I can help fix that. I can’t help fix when someone’s close relative is ill. I can’t even think in that mind frame. Yet that’s one of the situations I’m in.

It sucks.

And it’s funny, I’m somehow getting attacked. . . ish. . . and I can’t be mad. Some people get angry at the people around them when they’re sad. I’m not one of these people. But I’ve been the “victim” many times, just because I’m there listening. But I know I can never get angry at this person, and the attack isn’t aimed at me. It’s just that I so happen to be there.

It sucks.

Why can’t everyone be happy? The thing I learnt when I left school, is that problems got bigger. I was always the approachable person in school if anything ever went wrong. I was the first person to go to when someone needed help. Because back then I could help. Those were situations which I could deal with. But now? Now I feel helpless because people bring me these problems, and the only thing I can offer is a cup of tea.

It sucks.

Sure, tea is comforting. But it doesn’t help anything. It might calm the person down a bit, but the persons problems don’t go away. Nothing can. I’m just left in a mud pit of many problems. Many of which are “don’t tell anyone else”. So they can share, and I can’t. Which means I get a lot of problems, because people don’t realise that there’s someone else who’s also pouring their heart and soul out to me. So I feel like I’m just in a helpless pit of nothingness, waiting for solutions. Solutions to someone else’s problems.

And you know what sucks the most? The fact that none of the problems I have are mine. Which just makes me feel more guilt.

The Liebster Award!

I’m ashamed to say that I have been nominated for this before, and just never got around to it… whoops..
This is the Liebster Award. It’s basically like those chain letters that circulated as preteens. Lol, remember them?
ANYWAY, the word “liebster” has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart yeah you get the point.

Here are the official rules.

1. thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

3. answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. list these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!) 

So here we go!

1. I’d like to thank imjustadreamer.wordpress.com for this lovely nomination! From having a little nosey around her blog, it seems very interesting and entertaining and you should check it out! <3 Much love m’dearest!

2. Meh, I’ll do this later.

3. My questions:

  1. Do you have a middle name? State it. Marie given at birth, Claire chosen at confirmation.
  2. Favourite drink and why. Tea. There is no why about it. ;)
  3. Coke or pepsi. I’m going to be a boring toad here and say neither. But if I had to choose- coke, duh.
  4. If you could change your name what would it be? Something that people outside of Ireland could pronouce! Otherwise than that, I’m quite fond of my name.
  5. Favourite social media site. Can I not say all of them? No? Hah! YouTube or Tumblr I’d say.
  6. Least favourite day of the week. Tuesdays were never that fun for me to be honest.
  7. Favourite tv show right now. Currently watching the simpsons daily with my new flatmates. Does that count? I don’t really watch tv anymore, to be honest.
  8. Favourite person in the world. It’s way too hard to only choose one. My parents, my friends, my family.
  9. When you were a child did you leave Santa milk and cookies? Hell yeah! And a carrot for Rudolph!
  10. Religious? I don’t know whether ‘religious’ is the right word, but I definitely have faith.
  11. Honest opinion on dandelions. This is a subject which is close to my heart. I feel like dandelions have always been apart of my way of living. I can’t bear to think of my life without them. *pause for dramatics*. The depletion of dandelions is an outrage on the eaths behalf.
    Nah I’m just kidding. We called them ‘pissey beds’ because legend has it if you touched the yellow flower, you’d wet your bed.

4.

  1. I’m seventeen and in university because I skipped fourth year in secondary school.
  2. I had ‘emergency glitter’ in my pencil case for all of my secondary school experience.
  3. I love snapchat. Like so much. I could snap people all day it’s so fun.
  4. I have a lot of love for Sweden.
  5. I have the same birthday as the Queen.
  6. I’ve been in my pyjamas since I finished college today at 3.
  7. I’m probably having pot noodle for dinner.
  8. I love sandwiches. I would prefer sandwiches to like a dinner.
  9. I have a great love for the sea and stars!
  10. I love my dog so much like ugh she’s my life.

5. I nominate: In no particular order whatsoever because I love you all!:

1.perksofbeingaprocrastinator.wordpress.com Because there are many perks about being a procrastinator!
2.IPreferDeepBluesAndSeaFoamGreens.wordpress.com A very relatable blogger!
3.r34litycheck.wordpress.com  I’ve always loved your blog!
4.valourborn.wordpress.com My personal bestie on wordpress ;D
5.disneyandpizza.wordpress.com Uhm, how awesome is that name?
6.sarahmarjoriee.wordpress.com My love! <3
7.midwestamericangirl.wordpress.com Love love love!
8.charspillane.com  Basically my honorary big sister on wordpress!
9.attemptingreality.wordpress.com One of my newest blogging friends :)
10.athinkingtransformer.wordpress.com One of my oldest blogging friends ;)
11.everytrueworddotme.wordpress.com Well worth a read :D

6. Your questions! 

  1. What’s your favourite thing about Ireland? ;) 
  2. On a scale of one to twelve, how much do you love glitter? 
  3. Who made your last smile happen? 
  4. What is an experience you’d love to live again, and recommend for anyone to do? 
  5. Weirdest thing you’ve ever bought? 
  6. Favourite childhood movie? 
  7. A weird tradition you/your country has?
  8. Would you kiss your first crush today? 
  9. Your ‘go-to’ meal when you’re making/cooking dinner?
  10. What’s your goal in life? 
  11. Why did you start blogging?

7. Woo rules.

8. Done and dusted!

To those who choose to except, I hope you have fun! :D

Word Vomit

The last time we met, I was confused about my future and starting University. Nothing much has changed, except for the fact that I actually started University. Gawd, that still sounds weird two whole weeks later. Since when am I a university student?
Since I started, my mind has been very conflicting. The first week starting was one of the most confusing weeks of my life. I had moved ‘out’ and went home that weekend. Never in my life have I felt so. . . so. . .confused. I had a totally identity crisis. “Where is my home?” was the main question which was always on my mind. I didn’t live at my childhood house any more, even though I tried to convince myself differently. I officially lived three hours away. Not even permanently, only until next May. Then what? Where do I go from there?
I’ve been ‘home’ every weekend. My parents joke that it’s like I never left. In my mind, that translates to how of much of a burden I am on them. I know this isn’t true. But, I can’t shake that feeling that I am stopping their lives because I’m too scared to move on with my own.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Galway. My flatmates are lovely. Anyone who I’ve talked to in my lectures are lovely. My sister is supportive. I’m able to find my way around. I had fun going shopping. Yet it still feels so surreal.

To be trapped is the feeling of no escape. I feel trapped, but I don’t know what I’m trying to escape from.

It’s been a big move. Some of my close friends have also made this big move, and others have one year left to do it.
I’m just confused I guess. I don’t know what I want. And that itself is simply terrifying. Isn’t this the point in my life where I realise that “Hey, I want to be a–.” Everyone around me seems so sure what they want to do. Yet I’m just floating.
There’s nothing wrong with my course. It’s broad, it’s not too intense, I can do loads from it. I can travel. I can do another degree. The possibilites are endless.
But the repeated phrase I use in my head is that there’s nothing wrong. But there’s a huge difference in ‘not wrong’ and ‘right’.
I don’t know what I want to achieve out of this post. Everyone’s telling me to lighten up and enjoy life. But at the moment, I’m far too scared to.
I dread thinking about it. I dread the end of the weekends. I dread not seeing my friends 24/7. I dread losing touch with them. I dread it being my fault. I dread being a burden on my family. I dread not having a life plan. I dread having to decide a life plan.
I know it’s only the first month of college, and obviously I’m not meant to be 100% sure what I want to do afterwards. But I’m not used to going plan-less. My wardrobe is more organised than my life right now.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I’m conflicted. I’m scared. I’ve creators block.
Yet I’m so good at hiding it all.

This is word vomit at the moment, and I know that no one’s too interested in it. I just need to vent sometimes, and where else to do it but a public site, I guess?

NUI Galway- Come at me bro!

My summer has been so hectic this year, I haven’t even had time to process the fact that it’s almost over. 
Results day has come and gone, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I didn’t get my first choice of University. However, as much as I had convinced myself that I was heading East to Dublin, it never actually seemed real. I wasn’t the type of student who had their heart set on a certain course, I just chose it simply because I didn’t dislike it. I didn’t fall in love with the course, or the campus, or the area. Nevertheless, I was slightly disappointed when results day came, because I knew I didn’t get Dublin. However, I was soon on a plane and flying to Spain so I didn’t really get time to think about not getting it. By disappointed, I mean I realised that I wasn’t disappointed at myself for not getting the course. I was disappointed to admit that the course I’ve been reciting off to people since Easter just wasn’t going to happen. I was disappointed for others reactions. . . not my own. I was disappointed that I would have to change my story. 

“So what course did you get?”
“I’m going to Galway!”
“I thought you wanted Dublin?”
“Yeahh…” 

This was the conversation I was dreading. And I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of how to explain to other people that I didn’t get Dublin that I forgot to explain to myself that in literally a week I was going to university. It was always a phrase that was tossed in the air- “This time next year we’ll be in college!” But I never thought the day would actually come where I only return home for holidays. Three of my cousins and my sister all repeated their last year in Secondary school because they didn’t get their desired choice. So in my mind, this was what I was going to end up doing. But, I got my points needed, so there was no need to repeat. This is a good thing by the way, to anyone who is not familiar with the Irish education system. 

I’m scared. There’s no doubt about that. I’m officially leaving my home- and officially leaving my comfort zone. All my plans had been thrown out the window and rearranged in the short space of a week. But as of today, I am a registered Arts student in the National University of Ireland, Galway. 

So c’mon Uni, do your worst! 

 

My Debutant Ball Hairstyle

 

 

On the 11th of August, I had my end of school ball. (We call it debs, but it’s basically prom). Over all it was such a brilliant night, which I will definitely write in detail about. This photo is what my hair looked like, and I was so in love with it! It literally looks like the curls on tumblr or pintrest. 

As a general update, sorry I have not been posting more frequently. In the past four weeks I’ve been on three planes, five 4 hour car journeys, three 3 hour journeys, had my debs and received my Leaving Cert results today. It looks like I’m heading to Galway this September. Wish me luck for my college offers next week! Even if I will be in Spain getting them, I shall try to post more! This is definitely one hectic summer, I can say that much alright! 

Let’s talk about. . . make up!


Recently, I was nominated for the Irish Blog Awards, 2014 (*insert cheering noises here*). Being the person that I am, I looked at each of my competition (ok…that sounds very serious! Oops) and realised that a good majority of them were fashion and beauty blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I know these bloggers work just as hard as I do on my blog! They were all just very similar. As a rule of the internet, is there’s a lot of popularity for blogs and youtube channels dedicated to fashion and makeup. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought, ‘was I wrong for not having the interest in something which a lot of my category had?’ I’d never pretend to know more about any part of beauty just to gain a few extra followers, but if there’s such an interest in it, shouldn’t I be interested in it too? And the more I thought about this, the stupider I was, because blogging should always be about a person passions. And beauty isn’t mine. 

It’s not like I’m opposed to fashion and beauty. I just don’t know much about it. Lord knows that I wear make up, and try to look as good as I can in clothes. I just know I’m not the right person to suggest beauty tips to. Some girls are exposed to the fashion industry at a young age. I was not one of these. I was always a “girly girl” when I was younger, but my mother or my older sister were not. Therefore, I had to discover the world of beauty on my own. I always loved nail polish though. I had a ginormous collection for as long as my parents can remember! My mum was the typical tomboy growing up. She was the only female on the football team for five years, and she cut her hair as short as she could as soon as she was allowed to. My sister just never had an interest. But there was a big difference in the two of them. My sister looked down on her own peers who wore make up. To her it symbolised the opposite of intelligence and degraded anyone who wore it in their daily life. However, as soon as my mum saw I had an interest, she tried to help me as best as she could. She helped buy me make up from recommendations she went to the trouble to ask for. After that, I was on my own.

I started to wear make up when I was about 14. I still remember buying my first mascara. It was for sports day in my school, as we got to dress up every year and that year we chose to be “rockers”. I was so proud of my little tubey thing of mascara. From there, my collection grew. My cousins gave me some products, and I started to get the courage to buy my own. I always felt so nervous going into a make up shop. I felt like I was getting judged all the time. I felt like I wasn’t educated enough to actually be allowed to buy my own products! Now, I’d just saunter in with not a care in the world! It took me a lot of years to not be embarrassed about wearing make up. It also took me a lot of YouTube videos!

The first time I bought liquid eyeliner, my sister told me I bought the wrong one. I refused to believe her and bought it anyway. The first time I tried to put it on, I cried because I couldn’t do it properly. I felt like an impostor of a girl because I couldn’t do a simple straight line on my eyelid. So I just cried. Eventually, after many nights of intense practice, my lines got less wobbly. And I know now that eyeliner isn’t exactly the easiest thing to apply! I just wish someone had told me that the first time I tried it on. It would have made me feel less like a failure, and more confident to do it again. 

I’ve only started to wear full foundation this year. Previously, I had just worn concealer or BB cream, but this year I took the leap and bought myself foundation! Even at 17, I felt embarrassed to buy it! But I now know that no one really cares what you buy, never mind judging you for it! My skin (thankfully) is not covered in spots daily, and is neither too oily or dry. So I’m pretty lucky and grateful for that! 

As for lips, I’m still venturing into that department! I usually wear something which is the exact same colour as my lips, so I’m not too adventurous there yet! Maybe one day I’ll have the courage! 

One thing I did learn from looking at all the other talented beauty blogs is that everyones style is unique. Which is an amazing message that each blog is giving out to young naive girls, just like me.